Relationships afford us opportunities for fun, play, creativity, safety, and growth. The scariest thing about growing in a relationship is being told what we are getting wrong by a person we love and trust. It is especially hard when the way they tell us their feelings comes across as harsh and hurtful. After all, that is where the old saying, “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it” comes from.
It is rare in a healthy relationship that your partner is attempting to wound you with what they say or how they say it. Despite that fact, sadness, hurt, or anger are the common responses that follow their feedback. So, what do we do when our partner tries to share their feedback with us and it causes pain?
Perspectives Matter
It starts by recognizing that people see the world in uniquely different ways, which can make it challenging to communicate difficult things clearly. Moving toward healthier communication requires a willingness to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.
In the past few years, a new pattern of communication has emerged, called ‘Intent vs. Impact’, which encourages people to explore why a person said what they said and how it landed with the person who heard it.
Defining Intent and Impact
Most often, when a person initiates feedback in a relationship, they are trying to address thoughts and feelings and create positive consequences for all members of the relationship. This is defined as one’s intent. In all healthy relationships, it is important to be willing to look at the “why” behind the feedback, to make sure the feedback is thoughtful and useful.
Hearing feedback from one’s partner can provoke any number of thoughts and feelings associated, though sometimes only loosely, with what was said. This is defined as the impact. As the recipient of feedback, it is important to be able to articulate how it landed and what thoughts and feelings it provoked, as you are the only one who has access to that information. As the partner giving feedback, hearing and being accepting of the impact is vital to moving the conversation forward into a productive space.
Which is more important?
While it may seem typical of a therapist to say, one is not more important to healthy communication. Both are valid and have their place in every conversation. However, what is most important is the timing of when to acknowledge each component.
It is somewhat common for a partner to want to justify their intentions, especially when they are caught off guard by the impact it had on their partner. Unfortunately, this can come across as insisting that the hurt feelings do not matter, because the intentions were pure. This is why thoroughly addressing the impact of feedback tends to be of a higher priority.
For example, let’s say Sam (he/him) and Alex (they/them) are getting ready for date night. Sam makes a lighthearted comment like, “I like the blue shirt better”. Alex ends up feeling insulted, but they may already know that Sam had no intention of insulting them. Since that knowledge doesn’t erase the impact, Alex chooses to let Sam know they felt hurt by the comment.
Most therapists would recommend that Alex carefully explain the impact it had on them. Sam would need to listen to the impact of his words with an open mind, and then empathize and validate how Alex experienced what he said. Having done this, Sam can then ask for permission to explain the intention behind his comment. When Alex is ready, they can listen to what Sam was hoping to accomplish when he gave the feedback. If necessary, the partners can then discuss how to offer similar feedback in the future in a way that will land better.
This is a Problem in my Relationship: What do I do?
For some partners, the knowledge that this new form of communication is out there will come as a breath of fresh air or an exciting new challenge. For others, it can feel incredibly daunting. If you notice misunderstandings popping up often in your relationship, or if you find yourself fearful of offering your partner(s) feedback, getting connected with a qualified therapist can be a helpful step in adjusting communication patterns.
Our counselors help countless relationships develop healthier, healing communication and we can help you, too. Visit our Couples Counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your needs and how we can help.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
