In previous articles, we've laid the groundwork for the process of forgiveness. We disentangled it from rebuilding trust and emotionally healing. We also went through and identified the myths that often interfere in the process of forgiving. If you haven't read through those, we'd strongly encourage you to take the time.
Building on the foundation we now have, it's time to dive into how to forgive. As we go through this, remember that forgiving is resetting the scales. We let go of the debt our partner owes us. It breaks the blinding chain of "an eye for an eye." Forgiveness is putting down the weapon you would use against your partner and "burying the hatchet."
How To Forgive
With the significant hurdles out of the way, let's look at how to forgive. It is not enough to reply to an apology with "it's fine." Most of the time, that line is, in reality, one of those false forms of forgiveness talked about in our previous article.
Like so much in relationship dynamics, forgiveness involves both an internal process and an expression of that internal process. In this case, the internal process is letting go of the imbalance. The expression is letting the other person know that this has happened.
Find some private, uninterrupted time alone, and work through these steps.
Take Inventory of Their Actions
You can't forgive an offense if you don't know what the offense was. Further, attempting to forgive something you don't understand often results in your going through this process all over again later when you have a better understanding of what happened. Write this out on a piece of paper if you need to. That can often be helpful.
Reflect On and Feel the Consequences
Their debt goes beyond just their actions. It includes all of the impacts of their actions. As painful as it may be, you'll need to take inventory of the full effect of their actions personally (physical, mental, and emotions), relationally (openness, commitment levels, trust, future, etc.), socially (family, friend, coworker, etc. relationships), and any other areas of potential impact (such as financially, occupationally, etc.) Add this to what you wrote in step 1. Use as much paper as you need.
Decide that you want to and are ready to forgive.
Remind yourself of what forgiveness is and isn't, as we discussed above. You are letting go of a debt, nothing more, and also nothing less than just that. By itself, it is substantial so let this be its own process.
Reflect on Imperfection
At the base of forgiveness is an acknowledgment that everyone makes mistakes, both big and small. These mistakes hurt others, sometimes to their absolute core. They are permanent in that one can never take them back and can never truly repay the debts that those actions create. And you are one of those people that has hurt others. Your mistakes may not be the same ones you are attempting to forgive, but you have made your own mistakes and, at perhaps one or two moments, pretty big mistakes. Turn "I've never done that" into "I've also done some things that have deeply hurt other people." And reflect on the idea that you will almost inevitably end up doing that again at some point.
Carry Forgiveness Forward
Reflect on the forgiveness of the wrong that you have either received from others or hope to receive. Imagine yourself facing the person or people who would forgive you. Hold on to the sense of relief, compassion, and gratitude that come with that. Now, in your mind, turn from them to face the person who wronged you. Recognize that you are doing for this person what you have had done or hope to have done for you.
State Your Forgiveness
Yes, out loud. Even if you are alone, this is an incredibly powerful step. Stand in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Make a statement declaring who you're forgiving, what they did, and that you forgive them. It might sound something like this.
"Two weeks ago, my partner completely embarrassed me in front of our friends. What they did was not ok. It will take time not to hurt anymore and to trust them in situations like that again. Right now, I am choosing to set aside what they did and how this hurt me (steps 1 and 2). I am setting it down and leaving it behind. I am not going to use this against them. [Partner's Name], I forgive you for what you did and how you hurt me. You're not in my debt anymore."
As you say this, make use of the metaphors that might help you. Some metaphors are actions. Perhaps you burn the papers you wrote out in steps 1 and 2. You might take some deep breaths and imagine the anger, resentment, and vengeful feelings you have had being blown out and away as you exhale. Or, you might instead visualize yourself holding the experience and the impact of their actions in your hands and then either allowing the wind to carry them away or dumping them in a hole in the ground, burying them, and then walking away.
Share Your Forgiveness (this will require another person)
As long as you think your partner will understand the work that still needs to happen to repair the relationship, and attend to you despite forgiveness taking place, share your forgiveness with them. Talk then through what you had to do to forgive and tell them, "I forgive you for...[their actions and impact]."
If you are concerned that your partner won't understand that distinction and are worried about sharing it with them, find another person you trust, talk with them about your process, and share with them that you have forgiven your partner.
Keep Forgiving (this takes place over time)
You're going to have unforgiving thoughts come up. That doesn't mean you've failed. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. You have to keep at it.
Remind yourself that you already forgave that debt. Reflect on the process you went through. Repeat step 6. Actively choose to walk away from where you put down that offense.
Forgiveness can be challenging, but it is attainable. If the above steps don't help you find what you're looking for, we can help. We've been helping individuals and couples find forgiveness in their relationships for over a decade, and we can help you too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or schedule a free consultation to find out how we can help you.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
