Feeling Stuck in Conflict?
When trying to move past relational conflict, do you ever get the feeling you are dragging around a huge weight that prevents you from making progress? You may hear the heartfelt things your partner is saying and believe they want change, but for some reason you do not trust that change is possible. Clients come in and try to explain this indescribable resistance to the changes they need to get back to happiness. I call this the bag of resentment, and it is one of the most frustrating obstacles to push past as partners work towards peace.
What is Resentment?
In a simple Google search, you would learn that resentment is the “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”. What is not addressed, though, is that resentment can form regardless of if someone is intending to treat us unfairly. Since the intention behind our behavior does not always match the impact (for more on this check out this blog) our partners may draw conclusions about our intentions and build resentment based on those conclusions. For example, you may have built resentment toward the fact that your partner seems to constantly be working late, but your partner may be doing this so that your household can continue to thrive. Though the feelings of disconnection are valid regardless of their intent, your partner may be unaware that resentment has formed, and therefore helpless to prevent its growth.
What is the Bag of Resentment?
Simply put, the bag of resentment is your collection of proof that your frustration, hurt, or anger towards your partner is justified. It is where you store moments of difficulty in the relationship that do not get addressed when they happen, but surface in later moments of conflict either internally or externally. Left unnoticed, the bag of resentment can become a little voice in your head that encourages you to extinguish trust in your partner and hope for change. Over time, this voice can become toxic and make you hypervigilant to your partner’s frustrating or challenging behaviors. While it does not always end relationships, the bag of resentment can do great harm to relationships on shaky ground. This is why it is so important to address conflict when it happens, rather than allowing it to go unnoticed.
How Do I Get Rid of the Bag of Resentment?
While a collection of resentment doesn’t always serve us, it does come from real experiences. As such, it is not rational or realistic to hope the resentment will dissipate when we agree to try a different way. So how can you put the bag of resentment down?
There is an old saying that goes “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting he who hurt you to die”. Setting the bag of resentment down would be the antidote to the poison. To do this, it can be helpful to make a list of lessons you have learned from resentment and then look for resources to help use those lessons to make meaningful change.
In relationships, I recommend that partners start by validating the existence of their partner’s resentment, which can be done whether they take responsibility for its creation or not. For example, one partner may say to the other, “I know it’s been really hard to deal with my busy work schedule and the way it impacts our connection. I’m committed to finding a different way to do things so that you do not have to feel that way anymore”.
Once empathy and validation occurs, the partners can then make a simple commitment to one another; they both agree that as they are working toward change in their relationship, they will collect evidence about their efforts in two new “containers”. One is for efforts that have been successful or beneficial to the relationship. The other is for efforts that have gone poorly or had undesirable outcomes. While things that go in the first container can be celebrated and re-used, things that go in the second container will need to be evaluated.
How Do I Evaluate Strategies
Our culture doesn’t always do the best job teaching us foundational skills of communication. This means that when you enter therapy your clinician may start by asking you to practice things that seem juvenile or even childish. When clients discover that these skills are hard to learn after a lifetime of bad habits, they can be quick to discard them. While many of these skills are necessary for a healthy relationship dynamic, they can certainly be adapted to fit each unique relationship. This is why evaluation of ‘failures’ is a necessary part of growth . This begins with having a shared vision of desired outcomes. While it is important to create room for error as we work on new behaviors, it is helpful to discuss which specific parts of an intervention didn’t work in order to create space to make adjustments. It may be helpful to have an agreement with your partner about how long you will try an intervention before determining if it is useful or not. If evaluation feels uncomfortable or creates further conflict, it may be helpful to connect with a therapist who can help you navigate these challenging conversations.
Sometimes, the basic strategies talked about above just aren’t quite enough. Maybe those bags are accompanied by breaks in trust, struggles with empathy, or other issues. If you or a partner are struggling to put down a bag of resentment or two (or three, or four) for any reason, we can help. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.
Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC
Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles, you can visit her bio page.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.