MissLunaRose12, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
Having a partner who is neurodiverse can be challenging at times, sometimes very much so. Here are three tips on how you can better support your partner.
Tip 1: Join the Conversation
The term “neurodiverse” is a relatively new addition to the cultural conversation. It was initially used to suggest that there may be many different, legitimate ways of thinking about and interacting with the world. Starting around 2016, it began to become one of the preferred terms for those with diagnosed or suspected Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and other individuals who similarly experience the world differently from the norm.
Since then, the term has found wide use in culture and media. From TikTok videos describing “hacks” to help neurodiverse people keep track of the things they want to accomplish to books explaining new ways that some neurodiverse people can harness their keen sense of observation to thrive in corporate settings, the odds of coming across this term are high.
So why a new term?
First, psychology has tended to define things primarily by describing the negative impact they have. Even the term mental illness carries with it a sense that something is wrong and ought to be fixed. However, many mental ‘illnesses’ that people are diagnosed with may actually serve an adaptive, beneficial purpose. In fact, many people who carry some kind of mental health diagnosis report that they can identify personal strengths and aspects of their character that they value which are directly related to their diagnosis. Only having the ‘mental illness’ label didn’t fit for these people. So the idea of ‘difference’ instead of ‘deficiency’ seemed like a more accurate and useful description.
Second, many diagnoses that are used in the mental health field, although they may seem pretty cut and dry, often live on a spectrum. For instance, Autism Spectrum Disorder and many Depressive disorders are often explained as having various degrees, different kinds of presentations, and lots of variations. Two people with the same disorder, in fact, may not share many similarities at all. Because of this wide range, a term was needed to encompass all kinds of variation, degrees, spectrums, and presentations to somehow communicate that a person’s experience may not match the experience that is expected or considered ‘normal’.
Some people with a mental health diagnosis or who think or interact with the world in unique ways, resonate with the term and feel comfortable applying it to themselves and their experiences. Others do not. Some folks prefer a different term altogether such as neurodivergent or associate more with the diagnosis itself. One surefire way to support your neurodiverse partner is to start paying attention to the way that they think and feel about their diagnosis or to the way their brain works. It may be helpful to ask them directly about the ways that it shows up for them and maybe even to show you the next time that they notice it impacting them.
Tip 2: Lead with Empathetic Curiosity
Talking about the way your partner is different may feel an awful lot like criticism. It is vitally important to remember that differences, both large and small, are usually sources of stress and even conflict for many people. Chances are, your partner has been teased, bullied, shamed, or even punished for the way their brain works and how they interact with the world. This is why your partner may show signs of reluctance or hesitancy about sharing their experiences. Because of that, it can be helpful to let them direct the conversation and respect their ability to protect themselves. We have all had experiences where our felt sense of being different has wounded us; use your experiences to guide how you interact in these moments. Be gentle and listen.
When stepping into this territory the goal is to maintain a sense of empathetic curiosity. You want your general stance, as the partner of someone with some kind of neurodiversity, to be full of your genuine care for them as a full, complete person (the empathetic part). The moral of the story is that your partner is so interesting, so inherently worthy of love and belonging, that you want to enter more into their world (the curiosity part). The journey is one of discovery and deeper understanding so that you each are better able to understand the other’s world.
One of the strengths of a perspective that is grounded in neurodiversity is a conviction that there is not one right way. Instead, having people that see things differently is a strength. It is about showing interest and gratitude for the fact that while you are busy inspecting the color of something your partner is able to assess its texture, weight, or how well it will work in a certain situation. It is also likely that some of these differences are things you absolutely love about your partner. Tell them so.
The understanding should be mutual (because your little world is fascinating too!). Your interest should stem from a place of authentic curiosity and have connection as the goal.
Tip 3: Develop Clear Communication by Reducing Noise
While reveling in the awesomeness of your partner is a good thing, there may be times where some rules of engagement can help make things flow more easily. Bring a sense of empathetic curiosity to these conversations as well.
During a time of low stress, it may be beneficial to discuss a game plan for how to ensure accurate communication takes place and everyone leaves the interaction feeling heard, cared for, and hopeful for some kind of resolution or improvement.
In the field of communication theory, the concept of noise is often discussed. This term refers to any interfering source of stimulus or input that disrupts the message that is being sent. Anything from actual noise (think lawn mower outside), psychological noise (anxiety, worry, depression, trauma), to semantic noise (using words that the other person doesn’t understand, tones of voice that are distracting or confusing), or executive functioning noise (thinking about what you are going to say next) can impact if and how well we are understood.
Perhaps someone finds direct, verbal communication to be overstimulating (too emotionally noisy) when emotionally charged topics are brought up. If this is the case, maybe shift the conversation to texting (even in the same room) to increase the likelihood that the context of the messages being sent are able to be heard. Maybe certain times of the day or certain places are more conducive to clear thinking or emotional expression. Talking right after lunch may help to reduce the biological noise associated with being hungry. Talking right after your partner comes home from work may mean that parts of your message don’t make it through due to the emotional noise they are carrying with them from the workplace.
Make a point to set yourself and your partner up for success when something important needs to be talked about.
This may also mean that you develop specific ways of talking about how your partner is being impacted by their neurodiversity. For example, you may develop ways of asking for a break in the middle of conversations, not because something is wrong, but because your partner needs to reset their ability to attend to what you are talking about. Maybe certain words or certain body postures make your partner feel unsafe or remind them of past painful experiences and so are best to be avoided whenever possible. You may also find that you could be supported in these kinds of conversations if your neurodiverse partner is able to bring you into their experience a little bit more. A behavior that feels rude or dismissive to you (such as your partner looking away while you are talking to them) may be better understood as your partner attempting to regulate the level of noise they are experiencing so that they are better able to hear what you are trying to share with them.
Problem-solving some of these communication breakdowns can be challenging. At the same time, learning to meet each other where you are and to explore each other’s style of thinking and communicating together can be immensely powerful, and even healing.
If you or your partners are struggling with frustrating communication experiences or with the impacts of neurodiversity, we can help you practice develop these skills and facilitate genuine connection. Visit our couples counseling page or schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists to talk with us about your unique situation.
Written by Conrad Frommelt, M.Ed., BCBA
Conrad is a clinical intern specializing in relationships and sexuality with Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He sees clients online and at both the Greeley and Fort Collins, CO offices. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.