© Guilherme Jofili, CC License 2.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Invitations vs. Ultimatums

Imagine you are on a playground. You’re ten years old and you are surrounded by several children your own age. One of the kids tells you about the ‘superman trick’ they can do on the merry-go-round. After they demonstrate the trick to you, they invite you and all of the other kids to try it out too. Everyone is laughing, falling, losing their balance, and having a great time.

Now imagine that exact same scenario, except for that when the kid suggested you try the trick, it came with an ultimatum; something like, “If you don’t do the trick, you can’t play with us anymore”. What started as a fun-filled adventure with some new friends is suddenly a pass-fail test with a high potential for loss or embarrassment. These two scenarios represent a concept I call, Play vs. Pressure Vulnerability.

Pressure Increases the Likelihood of Mistakes

Even though it may have been a while since you were on a playground, this concept has likely shown up in different areas in your life. Consider the last time you were asked to change a behavior or try something new. Were you permitted to make mistakes? What were the consequences of failing to do it perfectly? While there are times when it makes sense for us to stress about a perfect performance or outcome (ie. exams, interviews, etc.), the pressure of perfection can negatively impact the quality of our performance.This is why balance between pressure and play is vital. The first child in the scenario above had the pressure of trying something new and difficult but it happened in the context of a fun game.

Ultimatums and Loss-Aversion in Your Relationship

If you have ever had a relationship where conflict was especially challenging, you may have issued or been given an ultimatum, like “change this behavior or we need to break up”. Generally, ultimatums like this create the pressure we just talked about. The pressure then causes partners to walk on eggshells around each other in fear of losing the relationship. This can make every requested or suggested change seem intimidating for two reasons. First, is “loss-aversion”, or the fear or avoidance one exhibits when there is a cost on-the-line (ie. relationship, money, etc.). Second, is vulnerability, which is a protective state the brain enters when it feels susceptible to harm or criticism. The more there is to lose, the more vulnerable you feel, which makes it much harder to initiate or perform well in new tasks (for some research on this subject, click here).

In order to identify how loss-aversion may be impacting your relationship, it may be helpful to slow down and ask yourself what you are afraid will happen if you make a mistake. For example, if your partner is asking you to offer them more compliments, you may fear that one of your compliments will come across as objectifying, which could lead them to decide to end things with you. This fear may provoke stagnation in the behavior, because the risk feels too high. Once you have identified the fear, it can be helpful to explore whether it is rational or if you are thinking in terms of worst-case scenarios. It is most helpful to reach out to your partner and create a shared vision of what is expected (ie. perfection, failure, retrying attempts, etc.) as you endeavor to repair behaviors.

Once We Take Care of Loss-Aversion, How Do We Add Play?

Play exists in your relationship. Granted, it may not show up in the form of Monopoly every night, but there are countless examples of play in almost every relationship. This is why I encourage partners to look at ways they have fun together when they are not in conflict (i.e. video games, hiking, karaoke, etc.) and find creative ways to bring that form of play into the new task. For example, partners could talk about financial problems while playing on a playground, or they could talk about sexual needs while hiking. Engaging in play with our partners creates a connection we can rely on, even when our attempts to make change do not go as intended.

When Loss Aversion Is Too Overwhelming

Whether the stakes are a loss of the relationship, a night on the couch, or an awkward moment, we tend to place an undue amount of pressure on ourselves to behave perfectly in relationships because of loss-aversion. This can be especially challenging when one has attachment trauma, history of abandonment, or relational anxiety.

While trying this skill out at home is absolutely possible (in fact, here’s a helpful tool to get you started!), it may be challenging to work through some of the deeper issues without exploring them more fully. For those looking for a bit of extra guidance, we at Pivotal Counseling are here to help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation or read more about our approach to relational counseling. We’re here if you need us.

Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC

Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles, you can visit her bio page.

Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.