Everyone has bad days, and sometimes those bad days turn into bad weeks. In every relationship, there are ups and downs, a period when one partner is giving far more than the other. In a healthy relationship, this is normal. However normal this is, though, it can be really difficult when one partner starts to shut down emotionally. Many people find this scary and uncomfortable, and many people start to worry that their partner is shutting down emotionally because they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Oftentimes, this is not the case. So, let’s talk about what you should do when your partner starts to shut down emotionally.
How do I know my partner is shutting down emotionally?
If you have been with your partner for a prolonged period, you likely will be able to tell that your partner is shutting down emotionally. The early signs may look something like:
Becoming distant
Spending more time alone
Staring off in the distance
Closing off a conversation
Actively avoiding certain topics
Seeming numb
Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and everyone responds to stress differently, meaning your partner’s response may look quite different. You know your partner within the context of your relationship best, so trust your instincts and keep an open line of communication with your partner.
If you notice your partner showing more severe signs of disconnection such as disassociation, loss of enjoyment, sense of meaninglessness, emotional eating, self-harm, or the use of substances, it may be a good time to reach out to your partner and express your concern in a non-confrontational way.
Why do some people shut their partner out emotionally?
A lot of the time, people don’t shut their partners out because they don’t want to continue the relationship. Being in a relationship is a vulnerable place to be, and some people may shut out the people who know them best in order to avoid judgment or disappointment. It could also be that your partner simply doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with whatever the stressor is. Another reason people tend to shut their partners out is because they don’t have the capacity to deal with the stressor itself and their partner’s reaction to it.
If your partner is shutting down emotionally, remind yourself that it’s likely not about you. Your partner just may not have the capacity to deal with the entirety of the situation at the moment and shutting down is how they can best navigate what’s happening right now.
What does it mean when someone shuts down emotionally and does it mean the relationship is over?
When your partner is shutting down emotionally, it means they are hurting. Generally, if your partner is shutting you out emotionally, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be with you anymore. We dissociate in this way when we are dealing with pain (emotional, mental, or physical) that is overwhelming to us, our brain shuts down our emotions to help protect us. It’s a form of the “freeze” in fight, flight, or freeze.
Shutting down emotionally is a form of dissociation, of turning off a connection with ourselves and what is going on. Essentially, your partner may be shutting down because their body is telling them that shutting down is the best way to stay safe. Give your partner grace as they navigate this stress response.
What do you do when someone is worried that their partner is shutting down emotionally?
If you’re worried that your partner has shut down emotionally, there are myriad responses that can arise. Some people may begin to panic, some may shut down in response, and some may cling on tighter in an effort to keep their partner. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list of responses. All of these responses are born out of past experiences and are reactionary. If you feel that your partner is shutting down emotionally, take some time to ground yourself in the logic: this is likely about them, not you or the relationship. So, what do you do when you feel your partner is starting to shut down emotionally?
Remember that we all struggle at times
Give them space before you panic
Self-care
Support them in the ways you can
Let them know you’re concerned about them but you’re there for them if they need to talk
Encourage them to find someone they can talk to even if it isn’t you (sibling, friend, parent, pastor, therapist, etc.)
Accept it if they say they don’t want to talk to anyone but also ask them to consider how they would know if it *was* time to talk to someone even if they don’t want to.
Remember that there is a difference between “I don’t like that you’re struggling and want to help” and “I am worried about your well-being because of how severe or prolonged this is.” Speak up about both of these, but don’t confuse them.
How can I support my partner while they’re shutting down?
The first way that you can support your partner when you start to notice that they’re shutting down is to gently tell them you notice. They may want to talk about it, and they may not. Either way, let your partner choose where they want to go in the moment but remain supportive and gentle. Giving your partner a little space to navigate the stressor can be really helpful; a lot of people end up naturally figuring things out if they are given the time and space to do so.
The most important way you can support your partner who is going through a difficult time is to make sure you don’t ignore them or shut down in kind. Ask your partner if they know what would feel helpful or supportive for them. Even a simple reminder that you love them and are available to talk if they want to is helpful. Other times, practical support like making them a meal or taking something off their to-do list can make a big impact. Meet your partner where they are and in a way that works for them.
Another really important way to support your partner is to be persistent with your partner. Don’t ask if they’re okay once and assume they’ll come to you. Check in with them regularly and ask if the kind of support they needed is still what they need. This can be a difficult line to navigate, as you don’t want to pester and pressure your partner but instead to gently and consistently remind them that you’re there. It may be helpful to ask your partner how often you can check in with them or what ways of checking in would feel most supportive.
How do I still get my needs met when I feel like my partner is emotionally unavailable?
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is dealing with a chronic mental health condition like anxiety or depression and tends to shut down emotionally, it can start to feel frustrating and like your needs aren’t being met. Don’t count your partner out if this is the case. In fact, asking your partner to meet one of your needs may actually be a welcome distraction for them.
It can be helpful to give your partner an out. Let’s say that you want to watch a movie with your partner. Let them know that you want to do this but assure them that it’s okay if they have to get up to do something else or check out on their phone during the movie. This releases them from the pressure of being fully present and can help them feel more emotionally available if they know they can opt-out at any time. This way, your partner can at least try instead of saying no right away.
Another great way to get your needs met is to lean on family and friends. Your partner shouldn’t be your only source of support, and in these times, having other people to help hold you up can give you the boost you need to keep supporting your partner.
Lastly, don’t count yourself out. You can meet your needs. You can take yourself out for a nice meal or draw yourself a hot bath. You can read a fun book or listen to an exciting podcast. There are a lot of ways that you can meet your own needs while your partner is having a difficult time.
Final thoughts
Trust your partner and your relationship. Don’t be afraid to seek out support for yourself. Whether you’re looking for individual counseling or relationship counseling, finding a supportive counselor can help you get the support you need while respecting the boundaries of your relationship. At Pivotal Counseling, we help individuals and partners navigate all sorts of issues that can get in the way of feeling connected in relationships. If you’re ready to schedule your counseling session and start feeling connected and cared for again, call (970) 281-4677 or schedule a consultation online.
