When it comes to broaching the topic of relationship counseling with your partner(s), you may find yourself a little hesitant. There are a few ways to do it so that your partner is more receptive and open, and, most importantly, not defensive. Attending relationship counseling is a great way to strengthen your relationship, and it in no way means that your relationship is in trouble. The strongest relationships are the ones that tend to issues as they arise, and relationship counseling can help facilitate this work.
If you’re ready to take the first step and propose counseling, congratulations. You’re about to embark on a wonderful journey. Here are some tips to help you bring it up to your partner in a way that helps you stay on the same team.
Every relationship has problems, and that’s okay
Every relationship has problems, and couples counseling or relationship counseling is in no way a sign that your relationship is doomed. Even business partners can attend relationship counseling. If you’re worried that asking your partner to go to relationship counseling means that your relationship is already past the point of saving, you’re absolutely wrong. While some couples do decide that they no longer wish to participate in the relationship, many people leave couples counseling or relationship counseling feeling more secure in their relationship than ever.
No one is perfect, and imperfect people miscommunicate with the best intentions all the time. Additionally, everyone comes with their own set of coping mechanisms that can, at any time, become no longer useful, and these can turn into problems in a relationship. It’s all normal. You’re only human. Your partner(s) is only human. We’re all trying to figure out how to do life together, and sometimes it can get sticky. It’s perfectly normal.
5 ways to tell your partner you want to go to couples therapy
There are countless ways to tell your partner(s) that relationship counseling has been on your mind. However, the most effective way to approach the subject will disarm your partner(s) and give you both (or all) hope. The top five tips that we recommend clients follow when bringing this up are:
Acknowledge that there is a problem with the relationship, not with your partner, and be specific
Make it about strengthening the relationship and your future
Bring it up gently so that your partner(s) doesn’t feel ambushed
Make it stress- and pressure-free
Tell your partner you love them
It’s you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you against your partner(s)
One surefire way to make your partner(s) feel defensive is to tell them they’re the problem. It can help to be specific about why you want to go to relationship counseling and then remind them that you are a team. Instead of a quick “we need relationship counseling because we need help,” try something like “It seems to me that every time we talk about simple decisions, we end up fighting. I think it could be beneficial to get professional guidance on how to communicate more effectively.” Remind your partner(s) that you’re on the same team and that this is a mutual issue. Blame has no place in this discussion. Working as a team means accepting the mutual behaviors that got you here—you’re in this together.
Focus on strengthening the relationship and make it about the future
Saying “I’ll divorce you if you don’t go to counseling” is a pretty aggressive and ineffective way of asking your partner to go to counseling. Instead, tell your partner(s) that you want to stay together and really care about the future of your relationship. Focus your request on how you want to strengthen the relationship but steer clear of threats and blame surrounding ending the relationship.
Tell your partner that you really want your relationship to work, and that’s why you’re so passionate about going to counseling. You can say something like “I’m starting to feel a little bummed about where we’re at as partners, and I’m worried about our future. I don’t want to wait until we hate each other to work this out.”
Don’t surprise or pressure your partner
Surprising your partner or blurting something heavy out is generally ill-advised if you can help it. Find a relaxed time and place to start an open discussion. Instead of just telling your partner(s) you want to go to relationship or couples counseling, ask them how they feel about the idea of going to counseling and let it be a discussion and a choice. Allow your partner the space to process your request and contribute to the discussion in a meaningful way. It’s important to remember that you are partners, and allowing this to be a decision made in partnership with each other can help set you up for success with your counseling experience.
Tell your partner you love them
This is perhaps the most important part, and you should do it no matter what approach you take. Of course, be honest. If you don’t love your partner, then maybe reconsider relationship counseling. There is little sense in trying to save a relationship with someone you don’t love. However, bookend your request by telling your partner(s) that you love them and that’s why you want to go to counseling. Remind your partner(s) that you think they and the relationship are worth fighting for. Try to see relationship or couples counseling as an act of love and commitment. With the right counselor, relationship counseling can help you and your partner feel more secure, assured, and connected than ever before. Always tell your partner(s) you love them.
What to do if you don’t think your partner will be receptive
Not knowing your partner will be receptive to the idea of counseling can cause an added layer of stress. If you feel confident that your partner will say no, then there are two routes you can take to still get the help and support you need. First, frame it as your own counseling. Assure your partner that it’s okay that they don’t want to go to relationship counseling right now and ask them if they would be willing to come to some of your individual sessions to help you. You can say something like “I understand if you don’t want to go to relationship counseling. I would still like to work on myself, so I’ll go to individual counseling. Would you be open to coming to a few of my individual sessions to help me figure out what’s going on?” This approach may help your partner warm up to the idea of counseling and not feel pressured to go themselves.
The other approach you can take if you don’t think your partner will be receptive to relationship counseling is to ask if there is something that would help them be more open to it. For instance, you can offer to have your partner be involved in choosing the counselor or agreeing to only attend a limited number of sessions as a trial run. By doing this, you’re allowing your partner to have some control over the process. It’s natural that we desire control, and there are countless reasons why your partner(s) may be wary of counseling or therapy. Respecting this concern can be a great first step in laying a solid foundation for success with counseling.
When to bring up relationship counseling
The key to relationship counseling is to get in before your relationship is in serious hot water. I like to tell my clients that their relationship is like a car. If your check engine light comes on but your car seems to be running fine, you have two choices: take the car in to see what’s wrong, or you can ride it out until it breaks down. If you go in right away, you can likely tend to the issue relatively easily. However, it’s a lot more costly to wait until it’s too late. Checking in periodically and making sure that everything is working well is essential to keeping your relationship running smoothly.
The strongest relationships are not the ones that pretend everything is fine; they’re the ones that tend to issues as they arise. Making sure that you and your partner(s) are on the same page and happy in the relationship is always a good idea. You don’t need to feel like you’re at your wits end to go to relationship counseling, and you really shouldn’t wait until you’re at this point. Sometimes you need someone else to step in and help disassemble any barriers to communication that daily life has created.
Finally, you’ve got this
You have every right to ask your partner or partners to go to relationship counseling, and if you feel there is something in your relationship that you want help with, then finding a counselor is definitely the right move. Everyone could benefit from a little extra support now and again. Keep your focus on the positives of what could come from relationship counseling and try to remind yourself that you and your partner(s) are on the same team and you’re in this together.
Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to stay that way. Finding a counselor is the first step in reigniting the passion and reclaiming your relationship. We specialize in helping relationships of all types. Read more about how we can help you and your relationship on our Couples Counseling page or feel free to reach out and ask us about how we can help your relationship specifically.
Written by Ethan Bratt, LMFT, CST