Getting Stuck on Truth
"That's not what happened!"
"I never said that!"
"That's not true! The truth is..."
Every couple recognizes statements like this. They get thrown out all the time. Whether they're talking about a conversation from decades in the past or something that happened 10 minutes ago, it’s easy for couples to get stuck in correcting one another and arguing about what the actual truth of a situation is.
This type of argument is pretty common. I'd be hard-pressed to think of a single couple that didn't run into this exact conflict in our sessions repeatedly. All couples run into it at times!
It’s Not (Just) About Winning
What makes it so common? Some therapists will say that it is about winning. They aren't wrong. When someone is in that situation, they want to win the conversation and establish "the real truth." But the idea of winning misses the more crucial factors underneath: that we want to have our experience heard and for it to matter.
Some readers may already be engaging in the same fight right here. "It isn't just my experience; it's what actually happened! It's the truth!" And that makes sense. The problem is that when it comes to multiple people experiencing the same event (like a conversation), there isn't just one reality at play. As many people that were present, there are that many realities of what happened.
It’s About Reality
Reality is comprised of what we perceive and experience. If we didn't experience it, then it isn't part of our reality. The "truth" of whether it happened or not isn't all that helpful or significant.
Let's use an example. Imagine that you went to see a movie but found yourself not feeling well. You dozed a bit during the film for just 20-30 seconds at a time and didn't even realize that you did so. When you talk with a friend who has also seen the movie, you will remember the film differently than them. Now, let's say they also dozed off here or there. Both of you will remember dialogue or parts of the story differently than the other.
It would be easy to get into an argument about what "really happened" in that movie. Both of you would go back and forth about who was right. One of you might even try to pull up on the internet quotes from the movie to prove you were right. But even if the "truth" turned out to be that they were right about that bit of dialogue, does that information change what you experienced? Does it change your reality? Of course not.
When couples fight like this, they will remember the event or conversation, even one from just minutes ago, differently. They will each have their own reality, and that experience of the events is just as valid as their partner's. So what that person is fighting for is not just to win but to have their reality acknowledged and heard.
So what keeps one person from accepting that their partner's reality is different? Another mistaken idea that often sounds like the following.
"If I acknowledge your reality, that means that my reality is wrong."
As common as this thinking is, it couldn't be more wrong. This mistaken belief becomes much clearer when we substitute the word experience for reality.
"If I acknowledge your experience, that means that my experience is wrong."
We each have our own experiences, our own reality. Both people's reality can be precisely accurate for them. Our realities matter to us because they are what we experienced.
The Problem with Truth
So, where does truth come back into this issue? Truth often gets used as a weapon to try to discredit the other person's reality. If their reality isn't the objective "truth," then it doesn't matter. First, this is patently false. Just because one roller coaster is mechanically faster than the other doesn't mean that the second one doesn't seem faster. Further, when we are talking about our experience, our reality, the truth of which one is faster isn't all that helpful.
Often, couples try to use their reality as the "truth" to discredit the other person's reality. If they can disprove it, then it can be dismissed, and the "actual truth" (which is just the other person's reality) can now be established.
Winning ends up being more about whose reality, whose experience gets to matter in the conversation, which person gets to be heard and acknowledged, and whose emotions and feelings get to matter.
As long as couples stay stuck in arguing about the truth and which reality is real, they both lose.
Really Winning
Instead, couples can change the conversation. They can show one another that what matters most isn't "truth" but one another.
In the end, what couples want to know is that their reality (including all of their experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc.) matters just as much as their partner's reality matters. And when couples can do that, they change far more than just conversation. They change their relationship.
We’ve Helped countless couples learn how to navigate around communication traps like this one and otheres. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
