Talking About You
So often, when couples communicate, they tend to talk about the other person. "You're awesome" or "you always know what I need." When we're telling someone something positive, that may not be a big deal. But when we're trying to address a problem, talking about the other person can turn a conversation sour in a hurry.
One place this turn really bad is when we're talking to our partner about when we didn't get from them what we wanted. Rather than talk about what we wanted, we tell them about themself. This often comes out as a should statement.
Should statements are one of the most problematic statements that couples slip into during conversations. You've likely heard comments like this before.
"You should have known I was busy."
"You know you shouldn't talk to me like that."
"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that?"
If any of those sound familiar, you're not alone. Most people have heard comments like that in their relationships.
Should statements are particularly damaging because they invoke a moral judgment. They go beyond just stating that you're unhappy or that the other person let you down. They convey a moral judgment of right or wrong. It isn't merely that I want something different. It is that you and your actions are simply unacceptable to me, beneath me.
The Up Reaction to Should Statements
It's not uncommon when your partner hears a should statement from you to believe that you see them as less than or inferior. In that situation, they will often feel anger or resentment and are likely to respond with defensive statements such as:
"You should know that if you're busy and don't want to be interrupted that you should go to a different room."
"I talk to you the same way you talk. If you don't like it, change it yourself."
"I handled it just fine. It seems like you're the one who has a problem here."
The should statement was the first shot and invited a defensive reply. The defensive responses are the second shot. From there, an all-out battle ensues that almost inevitably leads to both you and your partner feeling hurt, unloved, and unhappy.
The Down Reaction to Should Statements
Sometimes should statements evoke a different type of reaction. Your partner either withdraws in apparent acknowledgment of the error or may make an abrupt shift and bend over backward to fix it.
From the outside, this type of reaction may seem positive since they appear to recognize that they need to change their actions. The problem is that there is a lot of damage done on the inside in the form of shame.
When your partner feels shame, they likely see themselves as having failed or, worse yet, as actually being a failure. They may pull away from you and disconnect emotionally. Alternately, they may suddenly, desperately try to fix what went wrong to alleviate the shame and be good enough again. Either way, the shame at that moment is pushing the two of you apart.
A Healthier Approach
Every time we make a should statement about someone else, there's an opportunity for a much more helpful statement about ourselves that we could make instead. That's because underneath every should statement is a need, want, or hope of ours. The should statement is an (ineffective) attempt to convey our desire and wish for that need to be met by that person.
The first step is to identify that need. Once we can do that, we can then figure out what we would have liked the other person to do that would have met that need. By pairing the need with a specific, actionable request, we set the other person up for success. Let's look at our examples again.
"You should have known I was busy" could be "I need to be able to concentrate and focus in moments like that. In the future, could you please knock and ask if I'm able to take a break before coming into the office and starting a conversation."
"You shouldn't talk to me like that" instead would sound like "I need to hear kindness and respect in what you say even when you're not happy with me. Can you include more of that when we're talking about things like this?"
"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that," could instead be "I need us to be on the same page and decide together how to handle big things like that. Can you please talk with me first next time?"
Shifting from your partner's action to your need plays a critical role in setting the whole conversation up for success. When we state a need and then ask a question, we're giving our partner a chance to save our day and be your hero. They have the information and know precisely what we are looking for from them. With this, they can meet our need, and we can feel good about them and the relationship.
This approach is one of the acquired skills that help couples to have healthy communication and happier relationships. It can become second nature with practice and help draw a couple closer as a team where they each have one another's backs when there is a problem.
We've helped countless partners develop this and other crucial communication skills. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
