Counseling The Betrayed Partner
Regardless of whether you discovered the affair or betrayal or if your partner disclosed it to you, learning of infidelity is devastating. Many people describe feeling as though their world is falling apart and that the floor beneath them is giving out. They feel crushed, heartbroken, lost, and "in a fog." Many also talk about feeling rejected, inadequate, and worthless. When a betrayed partner walks into our offices feeling this way, we meet them with compassion, understanding, and safety. We immediately attend to the effects of the betrayal and work on reducing any further trauma to the betrayed partner or the relationship. Our philosophy for working with betrayed partners is this:
You are not at fault. You are strong enough to heal from this. Whether you forgive your partner or not, whether you trust your partner again or not, and when those things happen is up to you.
Our job is to create a safe space in the office where the betrayed partner never feels blamed or dismissed. We build the relational skills and communication tools that are needed to talk about the wrong they've experienced, the broken trust, and the hurt they are feeling. We _never_ push clients to forgive or trust their partner. That has to happen in _their_ time, not based on the counselor's and certainly not on the betraying partner's timeframe.
Counseling the Betraying Partner
Betraying partners tend to show up in one of two ways.
They come in believing that they are a terrible, worthless person. They are embarrassed, mortified, or dumbfounded about their thoughts, choices, and actions. They don't blame the betrayed partner for being angry with them and shocked by the betrayal. After all, they feel the same way about themselves.
They come in desperately fighting against the idea that they are a terrible, uncaring, or worthless person. They get angry about the betrayed partner being upset. They blame the betrayed partner for "making" then do this. They minimize what happened and the impact of their choices. They do all this because they cannot believe that they are "that" kind of person.
Our philosophy with the betraying partner of every affair or infidelity relationship we work with is this:
You did a terrible thing. That doesn't mean you are a terrible person.
We understand that the betraying partner didn't make their choice to cheat in a vacuum. Like drinking salt water when stranded at sea, the circumstances and situation made the idea of cheating seem like a solution to or at least an escape from where they were struggling. In the end, though, having an affair or betraying a partner always causes more problems and rarely, if ever, fixes anything. We help the betraying partner to acknowledge and own actions they have taken. We identify how to rebuild trust; to find and express understanding, empathy, and validation of their partner's pain; and to invite forgiveness from their partner _without_ pressuring them.
Counseling the Relationship
Affairs throw relationships into chaos and pain. So many couples come in saying that they want to get back to how things were before this happened. We get that. You want to go back to when things were less painful and less chaotic. That's precisely why our first goal for every betrayed relationship is to address the immediate trauma.
Our second goal is much more significant. Going back to how things were in the past only sets the relationship up to be damaged again. After all, that relationship was at risk for betrayal. Instead, we need to build a better relationship than what it was before. We work to identify the underlying issues that put the relationship at risk for the choice to have an affair. Then, we begin to work through those factors, providing education where unhelpful ideas or expectations were held, skill building where unhealthy dynamics were at play, and fostering healing where past hurts have lingered on. In the end, the couples we work withheal and grow in such a way that their relationship is protected from a betrayal ever happening again.
We’ve helped countless partners through betrayals. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
