4 Questions When You Discover an Affair

An affair can be a devastating injury to a relationship.  Your trust in your partner is shaken, and you may not know what to expect or how to move forward. Here are four questions that can be helpful to ask yourself as you navigate the whirlwind of emotions that may follow this discovery.

DO I HAVE ADEQUATE SUPPORT?

A common response to the discovery of an affair is to shut out the rest of the world until you have figured out a resolution. There could be many reasons why this is some people’s first instinct. Perhaps you are afraid of what people might think of your partner. Maybe you feel embarrassed that this could happen to you. Whatever the reason, your brain is telling you to keep this to yourself. Unfortunately, this isolation can make the problem seem much more gigantic and unsolvable. 

Reaching out to another loved one or a trusted professional can allow you to get the negative thoughts out of your body. Making the choice to seek support does not mean you have to reveal every detail of what happened. Whether you are looking for a shoulder to lean on, an alternate perspective, or a distraction it is okay to rely on the people around you. 

WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

With the discovery of an affair comes an inevitable barrage of questions. Whether you intend to end the relationship or you have decided to work through it, it is important to get the answers you need to begin to heal. You may be wondering how to get the answers if you are having difficulty trusting your partner. It is important to establish an agreement with them that they will answer your questions honestly. Inform your partner that you would like to know the truth, no matter how painful it might be. 

Once this arrangement has been made, you will want to take inventory of the questions you have. It is possible some of these questions were present the moment you discovered your partner was unfaithful. Others may flit in and out of your awareness as you move through the process. Either way, some questions are truly important to have answered while the answers to others may do more harm than good. Experts say it is important to evaluate whether you need to ask a question before posing it to your partner. One tip would be to focus on factual information (ie. am I at risk for an STI?) rather than value judgments (ie. Were they better in bed than me?).  

HOW DO I TALK TO MY PARTNER?

As with any difficult conversation, there can be a desire to ‘wait for the right time”. It is possible you are hoping the conversation will go better if your partner is in a good mood or if they have gotten enough rest. The unfortunate truth is you can only account for so many possibilities before you have to allow things to unfold naturally. Ensure you are in a safe, private place with as little distraction as possible. Since it is possible for the conversation to become heated, it can be helpful to choose a location that does not have emotional significance to either of you. Selecting a neutral location means you will not be creating negative memories in precious spaces. 

Once you have selected a location, you may begin to wonder how you are “supposed” to show up to the conversation. Whether you are feeling sad, scared, confused, outraged or any other difficult emotion,it is important to know your feelings are true and valid. There is no accurate way to feel when a person betrays your trust. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, there is certainly no need to hide what you are feeling. While losing control of these emotions may not be the most helpful way to react, tShowing up authentically will ensure your partner is not surprised if these feelings come up in the future. 

WHAT DO I DO NEXT? 

There are three possible outcomes after an affair. You can choose to end the relationship, continue the relationship as it stands, or renegotiate boundaries and expectations and begin a new relationship. Regardless of which route you choose, it is important to approach your new normal with healing in mind. 

If you decide to end the relationship, consider reaching out to friends and family to support you through the transition. This can help you remain engaged in your healing process, rather than withdrawing. 

Often, couples rely on unspoken rules to determine what is acceptable behavior in their relationship. The purpose of renegotiating the rules is to ensure you and your partner understand them in the same context. If you are concerned about how this conversation may go, it might be helpful to work with a therapist.

OUR COUNSELORS HAVE HELPED DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF COUPLES NAVIGATE AFFAIRS OR INFIDELITY. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP. 

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How We Treat Couples dealing with Betrayals

COUNSELING THE BETRAYED PARTNER

Regardless of whether you discovered the affair or betrayal or if your partner disclosed it to you, learning of infidelity is devastating. Many people describe feeling as though their world is falling apart and that the floor beneath them is giving out. They feel crushed, heartbroken, lost, and "in a fog." Many also talk about feeling rejected, inadequate, and worthless. When a betrayed partner walks into our offices feeling this way, we meet them with compassion, understanding, and safety. We immediately attend to the effects of the betrayal and work on reducing any further trauma to the betrayed partner or the relationship. Our philosophy for working with betrayed partners is this:

You are not at fault. You are strong enough to heal from this. Whether you forgive your partner or not, whether you trust your partner again or not, and when those things happen is up to you.

Our job is to create a safe space in the office where the betrayed partner never feels blamed or dismissed. We build the relational skills and communication tools that are needed to talk about the wrong they've experienced, the broken trust, and the hurt they are feeling. We _never_ push clients to forgive or trust their partner. That has to happen in _their_ time, not based on the counselor's and certainly not on the betraying partner's timeframe.

Couples COUNSELING For THE BETRAYed

Betraying partners tend to show up in one of two ways.

1. They come in believing that they are a terrible, worthless person. They are embarrassed, mortified, or dumbfounded about their thoughts, choices, and actions. They don't blame the betrayed partner for being angry with them and shocked by the betrayal. After all, they feel the same way about themselves.

2. They come in desperately fighting against the idea that they are a terrible, uncaring, or worthless person. They get angry about the betrayed partner being upset. They blame the betrayed partner for "making" then do this. They minimize what happened and the impact of their choices. They do all this because they cannot believe that they are "that" kind of person.

Our philosophy with the betraying partner of every affair or infidelity relationship we work with is this:

You did a terrible thing. That doesn't mean you are a terrible person.

We understand that the betraying partner didn't make their choice to cheat in a vacuum. Like drinking salt water when stranded at sea, the circumstances and situation made the idea of cheating seem like a solution to or at least an escape from where they were struggling. In the end, though, having an affair or betraying a partner always causes more problems and rarely, if ever, fixes anything. We help the betraying partner to acknowledge and own actions they have taken. We identify how to rebuild trust; to find and express understanding, empathy, and validation of their partner's pain; and to invite forgiveness from their partner _without_ pressuring them.

Couples COUNSELING For THE RELATIONSHIP

Affairs throw relationships into chaos and pain. So many couples come in saying that they want to get back to how things were before this happened. We get that. You want to go back to when things were less painful and less chaotic. That's precisely why our first goal for every betrayed relationship is to address the immediate trauma.

Our second goal is much more significant. Going back to how things were in the past only sets the relationship up to be damaged again. After all, that relationship was at risk for betrayal. Instead, we need to build a better relationship than what it was before. We work to identify the underlying issues that put the relationship at risk for the choice to have an affair. Then, we begin to work through those factors, providing education where unhelpful ideas or expectations were held, skill building where unhealthy dynamics were at play, and fostering healing where past hurts have lingered on. In the end, the couples we work with heal and grow in such a way that their relationship is protected from a betrayal ever happening again.

WE’VE HELPED COUNTLESS PARTNERS THROUGH BETRAYALS. WE CAN HELP YOU, TOO. CHECK OUT OUR PAGE ON COUPLES COUNSELING OR REACH OUT AND GET IN TOUCH TO ASK HOW WE CAN HELP.