What is a betrayal?
One thing that every relationship has in common is expectations. We all want things out of our relationships. Have hopes, dreams, and assumptions about how our relationship will be and how our partner will be.
Expectations come in all shapes and sizes. They cover just about every conceivable topic. They include how our time is spent with one another, how much time we spend together, what activities we do with one another vs alone vs with outside friends, what kind of language is acceptable, how rough or soft our touch is, the acceptability of sarcasm, chores and household tasks, the degree of combined vs independent finances, the condition in which we keep our bodies, levels and styles of grooming, and what we do with our time off from work, just to scratch the surface.
Whenever an important expectation is breached by our partner, we notice. Depending on how important it is, we may experience some discomfort or disappointment. If it is really important and especially if it seems to be something that our partner should know better than to do, we experience it as a betrayal. Put in other terms, we experience a sense of betrayal when someone seems to intentionally act against the expectations of the relationship.
What is an affair?
The term affair typically refers to particularly intense, deep betrayals. Such betrayals violate some of the most core and fundamental expectations that couples have about what makes their relationship unique and special compared to other relationships. These types of betrayals devastate trust in couples’ relationships and shatter what couples understand their relationship to be. There are three basic types of betrayals that are often called affairs.
Sexual Affairs
Sexual affairs are when one partner engages with someone outside of the relationship in a purely sexual way. However, this is not limited purely to incidences of sexual intercourse. It includes all of the various ways that people act sexually including but not limited to fondling and touching, kissing, non-penetrative genital contact (direct or indirect), and penetrative intercourse (oral, anal, or vaginal). How those activities happen can look very different. Some examples might be
A one-night stand
Ongoing sexual but not emotional engagement
Serial cheating based solely on sex
Engaging with a sex worker
Some people even view a partner who engages with pornography as engaging in a sexual affair.
Emotional Affairs
An emotional affair occurs when one partner invests emotional energy and develops an emotional connection with another person that is deeper, more intense, or involves topics/areas of life or types of emotions that are considered by the other partner to be unique to and reserved only for the partnered relationship. These types of affairs can involve romantic feelings but don’t necessarily have to. They may start as a platonic friendship or they may begin on their own. Sometimes the entire affair is hidden and at other times the relationship isn’t hidden but is downplayed and played off as the two people being “just friends.” Often times, this emotional affair can result in increased sexual tension or anticipation even if no physical contact takes place. Emotional affairs can start with or look like
Having a confidant
A close workplace friend
An old friend or past romantic interest that you’ve reconnected with
A friend from a social or religious group (clubs, hobbies, churches, etc.)
That isn’t to say that any of the above is an actual emotional affair. Rather that these are common places from which an emotional affair can develop or what an emotional affair may be claimed to be.
Romantic Affairs
Romantic affairs are a combination of both a sexual affair and an emotional affair. There is a deeper, emotional connection at play but there is also sexual engagement. The depth of the emotional connection and extent of the sexual acticity may vary quite a bit but both are present. A romantic affair can develop out of either a sexual affair or an emotional affair. Some peopel find sexual affairs to be worse than emotional affiars. Others would rather an affair had just been about sex rather than the emotional connection. Romantic affairs bring both of these together and are particularly devestating. Romantic affairs can be
A brief but intense relationship
A years-long, on-and-off affair
A long-term, consistent “other life” with a secret partner
A series of emotionally and sexually intense connections
A close “friend with benefits”
There are certainly other ways that romantic affairs can show up but these are a few examples.
Any Affair is Devastating
Many unfaithful partners attempt to minimize the significance by saying “we never did X” or “it was only Y.” What they miss is that affairs aren’t damaging because of X or Y. They are damaging because the safety of the relationship and the trust of the betraying partner have been broken. Who you thought your partner was, the values that you believed both of you believed in, and the view of the future have all been shattered. It isn’t what your partner did, it is suddenly not knowing who they are that is often described as being the most damaging.
There is Hope For After the Affair
Regardless of the type of affair, it is important that not only the betrayal itself get addressed but also that the underlying factors and issues that set the relationship up to be at risk for an affair get identified and fixed. Recovering from an affair doesn’t mean going back to how it was before the affair. It means building a relationship that isn’t at risk of something like that ever happening again.
Some couples know right away if they want to rebuild. Some couples are on the same page and some are in different places. Some are uncertain but know that they are unhappy. Others start with one decision and shift over time. Pivotal Counseling works with couples in any of these places. Our goal is to help you find the path that you want to walk, support you through understanding, education, and therapeutic interventions as you and your partner build the lives and relationship that you want.
We’ve helped countless partners through betrayals. We can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
