A Common Problem
So many couples that walk in our door for couples counseling are dealing with the same issue. They are both hurt. They are both capable of change. And they are both waiting to start fixing the relationship until they see the other person making real efforts.
In some ways, this makes sense. When couples find themselves in tough times, it is almost always due to their expectations, hopes, and needs not being met by the very person they thought they could depend on to meet them. In essence, their partner broke their trust. They can't count on them anymore. So why would they pour their effort into fixing a relationship until that person proves their trustworthiness again? What that person tends to miss is that their partner almost always feels the same way. They feel betrayed and let down. They're hurting too.
For several years, I tried different ways to convey this dilemma and help my clients grasp the concept behind a better way to look at this. Then I stumbled across a parable that beautifully illustrates the idea: the parable of the long spoons. You can find variations of this parable across many cultures and throughout many religions of all origins. Here is one version.
The Parable of the Long Spoons
A grandmother was contemplating the wellbeing of her family. She was bothered by the lack of care she saw one for another and the constant complaints of who needed to do what for whom first. Mulling on these ideas, she fell asleep.
In her dreams, she found herself in a room with her children and grandchildren, all seated around a big table. The table was heavy with savory foods and decadent desserts of every type. And yet, all of her family members were emaciated and wasting away.
As she watched, she noticed that each of them had a long spoon that could easily reach the food, but that was too cumbersome and unwieldy to bring their spoonful to their mouths. Over and over, they would take a spoonful, try to eat it, only to either spill the contents or give up in frustration when the spoon failed to reach their mouths. Some sat in tears, others looked at the floor defeated, while others raged against their situation's injustice.
Suddenly, the room changed. Her family members, the table, and the food were still there. They each still had the same spoons. And yet, everyone looked healthy and delighted with their situation. She watched as they reached out with their spoons to scoop up the food but, instead of struggling and failing to feed themselves, they would feed someone else.
Everyone was happy. The family members freely asked of others what they wanted from the table and freely gave the others what was requested.
The next day, the woman shared with her family her dream. She told them of her concerns and worries that if everyone were only concerned with their own unmet needs, everyone's needs would end up going unmet. If they were to find happiness together, they would need to recognize that it was up to each of them to start meeting another's needs for their own needs to be met.
Everyone is Hungry
In our relationships, we all have needs that only the other person can meet: needs of connection, acceptance, and safety. If we insist on spending our energy and attention focused on our own needs in those moments, we will go hungry. If we instead concern ourselves with meeting the other's needs, it frees them up to meet our own needs.
Balancing recognizing and asking for our needs while also meeting the other person's needs is a learned skill. Every day, we help couples work through their past disappointments, so they are free to focus on the other. We help people learn how to speak up about what they long for and hear what their partner is desperately seeking from them.
If you’re hungry in your relationship, we can help you put those long spoons to good use. Check out our page about Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Pivotal Cousneling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
