This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.
***
The principle of shared values does not mean that we have to have the exact same sexual values as our partner in order to have sexual health. However, it does require having some honest conversations with ourselves and partner(s) about the meaning of being a sexual person, different turn-ons and turn-offs, different sexual acts, the timing of sexual engagement, and the significance of choosing to have sex. It’s a hard and vulnerable part of sexual health but a crucial one.
Sexual Values Offer Insight and Understanding
Sexual values act as our guide or our rubric for helping us put meaning to our sexual motivations. Tuning in to what our motivations are for seeking sexual intimacy with a partner(s) can help highlight our sexual values. Perhaps we are motivated to seek sex to be close with our partner, which may highlight our value of intimate connection with others. Maybe our motivation comes from wanting an orgasm for stress relief, which may signal that we really value sex for pleasure, grounding, and relaxation. The list of sexual values is vast and each person will be unique in their values depending on background, past experiences, culture, etc.
Sexual Values Evolve
The good news about values: they are not fixed throughout the lifespan! We have the power to explore our current values, educate ourselves on areas we want to understand more, expand our perspective, and update our values accordingly. Basically, we can change our rubric that puts meaning to our sexuality. Working with a sex therapist can help clients discover their sexual values and live in greater alignment with those values in sexual relationships.
Sharing Sexual Values Isn’t Easy But It’s Worth It
Communicating about sexual values with a partner can feel scary, especially if we have a challenging history, such as trauma, that can greatly impact how we make sense of our sexuality. Even so, it’s crucial to make space for these conversations around values so that each person feels heard and respected.
Sharing our values can bring a greater sense of clarity in our sexual relationships. It can help us to avoid having misaligned expectations or missed needs in our sexual encounters. It can offer richer experiences that are more tuned to each person’s desires. And in the end, it helps us to have sexual experiences that are more fulfilling and far fewer (or avoid entirely) experiences that we may regret.
Feel free to read the rest of the articles in this blog series:
Sexual Health Principle 1: Consent
Sexual Health Principle 2: Non-Exploitation
Sexual Health Principle 3: Honesty
Sexual Health Principle 4: Shared Values (this article)
Sexual Health Principle 5: Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy
