Keep It Steamy, Keep It Sharp: Why The Golden Years Should Be The Sexy Years

We all know that a healthy relationship with your sexuality, whatever that may be, is part of being a happy, whole person. But it’s also pretty important for your physical health. For instance, sex can lower blood pressure, boost your immune system, decrease certain health risks like heart attack and prostate cancer, and improve your sleep (WebMD, 2024). Now, according to an article in the BBC’s Science Focus magazine, you can add a new health bonus to that list: improved cognitive function for older adults. 

Sex really can help you enjoy your life to the fullest for as long as possible. Of course, we are not advocating for people to have more sex that they don’t want, force themselves to have sex for the sake of future cognition, or to focus purely on quantity. In fact, a lot of the cognitive benefits to be gained from sex are because of the interpersonal relationship with a partner, not just anyone and not just any sex. Have good sex with someone you want to have sex with and who wants to have sex with you. Satisfaction and connection are some of the essential components at play here.  

Why does sex improve cognition? 

There are a lot of things happening when you’re having sex. Of course, your body is releasing a cocktail of feel-good hormones and blood flow is increasing, but what’s perhaps more important is that your brain is generating new neurons, which is a big deal. As the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke states, “Neurons are nerve cells that send messages all over your body to allow you to do everything from breathing to talking, eating, walking, and thinking.” 

Sex with a partner is a team sport, and there’s also a lot that goes into that. The social interplay and teamwork involved with partnered sex helps people work on team problem-solving, anticipating needs, expressing their own needs, and feeling intense physical and emotional connection. Sexual health is a pivotal component of overall physical and emotional health. 

Is the answer more sex or better sex?

This depends on what age you’re asking about. However, better sex is never a bad thing. A paper published in 2023 found that between the ages of 62-74, the quality and satisfaction of your sex was more important for cognitive functioning, but during ages 75-90, it was the quantity of sex that made the most impact on cognitive function. 

According to an article from Penn State published in 2023, researchers “found that declines in sexual satisfaction and erectile function were correlated with future memory loss” and put people at higher risk for cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer’s disease, dementia, and other stress-related cognitive decline issues. That said, putting an emphasis on sexual satisfaction and nurturing a healthy and enjoyable sex life in middle age does in fact have an impact on your overall quality of life as an older adult. 

The answer is always better sex, but once you’ve hit older age, maybe put more of an emphasis on quantity over quality. Your brain will thank you. 

How do I start having more and better sex? 

As a sex therapist in Northern Colorado, I am frequently asked this question, but there isn’t a simple answer to this. There are plenty of resources that you can seek out to help you have better and more sex, but we need to start here: sex is not a panacea to cognitive disorders in old age, and if you’re not upset with your sex life and it isn’t a problem for you, then it’s not a problem. 

Now that we have this out of the way, there are things you can do to improve the quality (and frequency) of the sex you are having. Starting by talking to your partner about the sex you want to be having is a great place to start, but we’ll be getting into this in more depth in future posts, so for now, suffice it to say that there are a ton of resources out there that are designed and written by people who truly just want to help people have sex they love having.  

Books

There are a number of resources that you (and a partner(s)) can read to help improve your sex life, including Emily Nagoski’s new book Come Together: The Science (And Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection. We have mentioned many other resources in other blogs that you can look to, but Nagoski’s new book is incredibly timely given the research about sex and cognitive function. To find sexual satisfaction in long-term and long-lasting relationships, read what she has to say. You won’t regret it. 

Podcasts & other online resources

There are a number of podcasts dedicated to helping people lead sexually fulfilling lives, including: 

• Speaking of Sex

• Pillow Talks 

• The Sex and Psychology Podcast

Each of the podcasts listed above also offers online courses and/or other resources that are rooted in science and therapeutic best practices. If you choose to look online for courses or ebooks about sex, make sure you do your research when it comes to the creators of the content. Not all content is created equally or comes from the same scientific and therapeutic background. Make sure you are vetting the creators of the content you choose to ensure you don’t end up with something that doesn’t align with your values. 

Individual, couples, or sex therapy

If you’re hoping to get right in and work on you and your relationship right away, the best thing you can do is seek out sex therapy near you. Whether you want individual or couples sex therapy, working on the things with a (confidential) third party can be a game changer. A therapist can often see issues that you or your partner(s) may not have noticed or registered. Working with a therapist can help you break down cultural, psychological, emotional, and religious barriers that are standing in between you and a satisfying sex life. 

If you are experiencing painful sex or sexual dysfunction, schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider to rule out any underlying medical causes and seek appropriate treatment. 

Sex is a matter of quality of life

Most people like pleasure, and sex offers so many physical and mental health benefits that it’s hard to deny how important sex can be to a person’s overall wellness. Wherever you stand with your sexuality, relationship to pleasure, or your sexual relationship(s), prioritizing pleasure and healthy sexual relationships can only serve to enhance your quality of life–for a really long time. The bottom line is that prioritizing your sexual health now can have profound impacts on your brain health when you reach older age. 

If you’re not sure where to start or are just ready to get some truly personalized help with your relationship to sex, sexuality, pleasure, or your partner(s), finding a sex therapist is the best way to set you (and your brain) up for future success. If you’re looking for a Greeley, CO sex therapist, Pivotal Counseling helps clients throughout northern Colorado make the most out of their relationships. You can call (970)-281-4677 or schedule an appointment online to get started.  

Can a vibrator ruin partnered sex?

You came here for a reason, so let’s start with this: Your vibrator will not ruin your partnered sex. In fact, your vibrator use is only a problem if you have a problem with it. If you’re worried that you can’t orgasm without it, if you feel like it’s getting in the way of your desire for partnered sex, or you’re just uncomfortable with how often you use it, then certainly seek out support. However, if you’re enjoying yourself and are unbothered by the frequency, then you don’t have anything to worry about. But let’s get into this a little deeper and look at the research. 

Many women use vibrators both during solo and partnered sex. While some women may worry that their vibrator may ruin partnered sex, a vibrator can actually enhance partnered sex. In fact, according to a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 36.6% of women surveyed said that clitoral stimulation was necessary in order to reach orgasm. Because of this, vibrators can actually increase the likelihood that you, or your partner with a vulva, will reach orgasm. 

Does a vibrator cause desensitization or numbness?

No. There is no scientific backing to the claim that your vibrator will cause numbness or desensitization. According to a post from the Sexual Health Alliance, 

“[In] the study [from 2009 published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine], there were a few who reported a numbing sensation but importantly elaborated to say that the feeling went away within a day. This temporary numbness after using a vibrator can be compared to the numbness your arm might experience after holding a massage gun.”

You don’t need to worry that your vibrator will cause a decrease in sensitivity, but it is important to note that your brain is a sexual organ, and your stress about your vibrator could be getting between you and your orgasms. 

Though it is not possible to cause permanent desensitization, your vibrator or the pressure you are using with it may cause temporary pain and discomfort. If you think this is happening, don’t be so quick to write off all vibrators. You may need to try a few different ones before finding one that works for you. 

Is there any reason to stop using a vibrator? 

Unless your vibrator causes you pain or you don’t want to use it anymore, there is no reason to stop using it. Vibrators offer different levels of intensity and patterns of vibration, and if one doesn’t work for you because it’s too strong, then don’t use it. If you want to experiment with what happens to your sex and masturbation when you forgo your vibrator for a while, go ahead and experiment, but if you’re not interested in that option, then keep on using it. 

Your vibrator can be a tool without being a replacement
A vibrator doesn’t need to be a replacement for partnered sex. If you or your partner are worried about this, have an open discussion about introducing the vibrator into partnered sex sessions. Some people may worry that a vibrator, or any sex toy, means that their ability to pleasure their partner is insufficient, but this isn’t necessarily true. Vibrators, or sex toys in general, are an enhancement to sexual activities, and they don’t need to be the only thing ever used. Instead, your vibrator can be a fun addition to the party. 

What if I have lost clitoral or vaginal sensitivity? 

If you have lost clitoral or vaginal sensitivity, you should seek medical attention from a board-certified OB-GYN to rule out any medical conditions. Sexual health is an important part of your overall health, and not just because reproductive organs provide your body with essential hormones that keep your whole body functioning optimally. Sexual health is important to you mental and emotional health.

Sex should not be painful. Full stop. If you are experiencing painful sex or feel numb during sex, you should seek support from a qualified OB-GYN. 

What if I can’t orgasm without my vibrator?

If you’re struggling to reach orgasm without your vibrator, step back and take some breaths before you panic. There are a few things to remember: 

• Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm 

• Rule out physiological issues before tossing out your vibrator 

• Your brain is a powerful sexual organ, and you can take advantage of that

According to the National Coalition for Sexual Health, your psychology can have as much, if not more, of an impact on your sexual function as your physiology. Use your brain to your advantage. If the fact that you are worried that your vibrator is ruining your partnered sex is getting in the way, take some extra time, either alone or with your partner, to make sure that you are aroused. Make media choices, read a spicy book, or engage in foreplay with your partner that will get you sufficiently aroused. 

Learn more about how desire and arousal works so that you can figure out your own body, desire, and arousal patterns. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource for this. When you start to understand more about how your desire and arousal patterns work, more about your sexuality, and more about the context surrounding sex, you may find it easier to achieve orgasm within partnered sex. 

There are some other psychological barriers, including sexuality and past trauma, that may be standing in your way, so if you think those are at play, make sure you seek out a qualified counselor or sex therapist near you. 

Good vibes welcome

You don’t need to worry, unless it causes you pain, about the impact of your vibrator on your sex life. In fact, your vibrator may enhance your partnered sex. Talk with your partner(s) about integrating your vibrator into partnered sex. If you’re struggling to enjoy partnered sex, it might be helpful to seek the help of a qualified sex therapist to help you discover and work through the barriers standing in your way. At Pivotal Counseling, we have helped many couples and individuals explore their sexuality, navigate sexual trauma and shame, and overcome the emotional and psychological barriers standing between them and good sex. Sexual health is health, and it deserves the same care as other aspects of your overall wellness. Check out our pages on couples sex therapy or couples counseling to learn more about how we can help you. If you’re ready to schedule an appointment, you can book a consultation with one of our qualified sex therapists online. 

Disclaimer: This post is intended for education purposes only, and it should be used as such. I am not a doctor nor am I your therapist. Always seek a qualified physician if you are experiencing pain during sex or have sexual health concerns. For mental and emotional support with sexual health, sexuality, and gender identity, please seek the help of a qualified therapist in your area.

How to reply when your partner says “We don’t need counseling”

Telling your partner that you want to go to couples counseling requires being really vulnerable. When your partner says they don’t want to go or don’t think it’s necessary, it can be frustrating, disappointing, and discouraging. However, it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship, and it doesn’t mean that you’re in a hopeless situation. So, instead of sitting with anger and hopelessness, what can you do? If you don’t know how to reply when your partner says that you don’t need couples counseling, then you have come to the right place. 

What do I do when my partner doesn't think couples counseling is necessary? 

Not everyone wants to go to counseling, and their reasons are their own. As the partner who wants to go to couples counseling, it’s important to recognize that, generally speaking, your partner’s reaction to the proposal of counseling is about them, not you or your relationship. In fact, we just wrote a whole post about this. Read more about that here. For our purposes here, suffice it to say that you can leave some space for your partner to deal with whatever is coming up for them, and start with yourself. Look into individual counseling. If they refuse to go, you can’t force them, and it’s likely not about you. Focus on what you can control: you and your healing.  

Another option in this situation is to get creative and ask your partner if they are open to some other options. You could recommend reading or listening to a book together, finding a retreat or marriage seminar, or watching some videos on improving relationships (we have some suggestions below). Many well-educated people want the information they have to be in as many hands as possible, and fortunately for all of us, that means that there is no shortage of wonderful resources that can help your relationship regardless of whether your partner wants to actually go to counseling. 

Does individual counseling matter if you really need couples counseling?

Yes! Absolutely.  Let’s use a quick metaphor: You have two legs, and one of your legs is out of commission because of a knee injury. You can’t just sit around nursing one knee and ignoring the other leg as a whole. Surely, you can do that, but then you’ll end up with two legs that need to be rehabilitated, not one. So, while you’re waiting for the injured knee to heal, you need to still work out the healthy leg so you don’t double the work you have to do once the other knee is healed. Individual counseling functions much the same way in a relationship. You can work on yourself regardless of whether or not your partner wants to join you. This may help you avoid some problems, and it will certainly help you as an individual. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot carry the relationship alone. No matter how much work you do, you can’t compensate for your partner not doing any work at all. You can only do as much as you can do for yourself; this will be helpful, but it likely won’t be enough to fully repair your relationship. 

In short, yes. It does matter. You deserve to be healthy and whole.  

Can I fix the relationship without couples counseling if I think we really need it?

In truth, it depends. On the one hand, people have been solving relationship problems without professional help for centuries, since the beginning of relationships, really. So, yes, some relationships can get better without couples counseling. The caveat, here, though, is that you can’t fix a relationship by hoping that it will get better and not doing anything else. Without professional help, you will need to really lean into the hard work and heavy lifting that goes into repairing a relationship.  

On the other hand, there are a lot of relationships who barely make it with a lot of help from a skilled clinician. Far too often, we can’t see our own issues well enough to address them. Oftentimes, you need an outside, educated perspective of a couples counselor to actually see what is at play and recognize the root of the issues.  Not having that outside, educated perspective might mean that some of the issues are poorly addressed, don’t get addressed at all, or, in some circumstances, are made worse. 

The last thing to remember is that an ended relationship isn’t a failed relationship. Your relationship can run its course and end without being labeled as a “failure.” Sometimes, an ending is the healthiest option for everyone involved. 

Is it ever okay to give an ultimatum in a relationship?

Lots of people confuse “give an ultimatum” with “threaten.” Threats aren’t helpful. Most of the time they don’t work to get the person to do what you want. And even if they do, they undermine trust, damage the relationship, and ultimately can breed resentment. Ultimatums, if what makes them distinct from a threat comes through, have more potential to be helpful. Two good things to help you know if you are giving an ultimatum or a threat are the sincerity of the words and the tone you use. 

First is sincerity. If you say “if you don’t go to couples counseling, then we’re done,” but you don’t actually mean it, that’s a threat, not an ultimatum. Threats are about control. You’re essenetially lying about what will happen to try to control your partner. If they go along with it and learn you weren’t honest, it may do a lot of damage. If they don’t go along with it and you don’t leave, they now know you were lying and they can’t trust you. Both ways, they end up feeling manipulated.

Let’s say that you truly are done with the relationship and are prepared to be out by the end of the week if they don’t go to counseling. If you approach your partner and scream at them “either you go to couples counseling or I’m leaving,” they’ll probably still take it as a threat even if you mean it. Instead, find a quiet time to have a heartfelt and calm conversation about how you are feeling, the desperation and hopelessness that is setting in, and how you have come to a decision that if the two of you don’t get into couples counseling and get to work that you have to leave for your own wellbeing. 

A real ultimatum in a relationship is about honest communication and empowering the partner to be able to make a very clearly informed choice, not about exercising power and making them do what you want. You cannot control your partner; you cannot force them to do anything, and if you want a healthy relationship (and since you’re here, you likely do), a threat is never the way to make healthy progress. If you are at the end of your rope, then tell your partner that you have to be done if they won’t go. That is okay.

What can I do if I’ve already gotten angry with my partner for saying no? How do I repair while holding my stance?

Your behavior and feelings are separate. If you have already gotten angry with your partner, take a step back to separate out your feelings, needs, and hopes from your behavior. You can apologize for behaving poorly while not apologizing for your needs. Acknowledge to your partner that the way you went about getting your needs met was hurtful and apologize for it. Then, you can find a new way to approach your partner and come up with some ideas to honor everyone’s needs and feelings. 

Be creative and get help in other ways

We’ve already discussed that being creative about the help you find can be really beneficial when your partner doesn’t want to go to counseling, but we don’t want to leave you high and dry when it comes to actually finding those resources. 

Books 

These days, it’s pretty simple to do a quick Google search to find reputable books about relationships and marriage. So, please be sure to do your own research to find something that resonates with you and both challenges and aligns with your current worldview. A few we recommend are: 

• What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver 

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

• You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For: Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz

TED Talks

• The Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship That Lasts by Maya Diamond

• The Science of Love by John Gottman

• 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation by Celeste Headlee

• Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships by Joanne Davila

• Relationships are Hard, But Why? by Stan Tatkin

Final thoughts

Don’t give up hope, be creative, find other ways to do it, and get back to what you can control and work on yourself. It takes more than one person to make a relationship work and be healthy, but the fact is that you can only do so much. You can work on yourself; you can share what you’re learning from your own counselor with your partner; you can recommend books, podcasts, retreats, and other resources to your partner; you can help your partner realize and work through the issues on your own. 

If you are ready for individual counseling or want to learn more about couples counseling in general, you can look at what we offer at Pivotal Counseling. Have hope and remember what you’re working toward. You are worthy of a healthy, beautiful relationship, especially with yourself. If your partner isn’t ready to do the work but you are, then do the work for you.  

If you’re in Northern Colorado and are ready to get started on the work, call Pivotal Counseling at (970) 281-4677 or fill out our online contact form, and we’ll reach out to you.

How to reclaim your independence in a long-term relationship

When you’ve been in a relationship for years and years, it can be easy to lose yourself a bit. In fact, for many of us, losing yourself is the norm, the expectation, the go-to pop culture example of relationship ideals. For example, think about Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother and every time we combine people’s names like Brangelina; it’s almost as if a “good” couple is a couple of people who become a single person with a single identity. Popular as this may have been (or still is), it’s actually quite unhealthy. The couples who have healthy long-lasting relationships are the ones who are able to maintain a healthy balance of “me” and “we.”

For the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking about people who are in an otherwise healthy relationship. For people in abusive and manipulative relationships, some of this may not apply, and deeper healing and help will be required to get out of the relationship and back to yourself. Your safety should be your primary concern.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 for confidential support. If you can and are comfortable with it and feel safe doing so, please seek a qualified professional in your area for ongoing therapeutic support.  

Why do people tend to lose themselves in relationships?

There are a lot reasons we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship. Oftentimes, we’ve seen that people lose their individuality with the best of intentions: people want to please their partner(s). It can feel pretty innocuous. We want to feel safe and secure in our relationship, and we tend to think that surrendering to our partner(s) will help us feel this way. A lot of people end up losing themselves in an effort to become the person we think our partner wants us to be.

Another reason people tend to lose themselves in a relationship is because time is at a premium. We only have so much time in a day, and balancing everything we have to do can mean that we have to let some things go by the wayside. When you’re in a relationship, the thing we tend to let go is our individuality because we want to spend time doing things with our partner(s). It isn’t always, or is hardly ever, sinister.

What happens to the relationship when people lose their individuality within a relationship?

When people lose their individuality in their relationship, the relationship can start to feel stale. Even worse, it can lead to feelings of resentment, and some people even start to feel like their partner is to blame for their loss of self. For a while, it might seem like things are going great. We feel good about being close and connected but then we may start to get frustrated and feel a little smothered or dissatisfied. It’s easy to blame the relationship when in reality it’s because we let go of something that was a part of us.

Essentially, not only can we lose ourselves, but we can also lose sight of how it happened. No matter how well-intentioned it began, it’s not healthy for the relationship or the individuals within it.

Why are boundaries important in finding your individuality again?

Boundaries got an unfortunate reputation somewhere along the way. A lot of people, particularly people who are people pleasers, think that the best way to be accepted and “keep the peace” is to forgo their own boundaries and wishes to make the other person or people around them comfortable. A lot of people associate boundaries as something we put in place with someone who is unhealthy. However, when you’re in a healthy relationship, boundaries serve as guidelines to lift up and support each person’s wellbeing.

In a healthy relationship, boundaries create clear distinctions between what is you, me, and us. Let’s pretend that your relationship is a sheet of paper and you and your partner both share a box of crayons. Boundaries would be the outline of a beautiful picture you get to color together. However, without boundaries, you don’t know where to color and may end up with a mess of clashing colors and no distinct picture. In essence, boundaries help us define how your relationship functions and maintains a healthy balance of being individuals and being “us”.

Oftentimes people think that if they truly love someone, they need to do whatever the other person wants. This ultimately ends with people getting lost in each other and a big blurry mess of colors. Not having boundaries in a relationship can cause something with the potential to be beautiful to turn into something wholly unrecognizable.

How to start reclaiming your individuality within a relationship

If you’re worried you’ve already lost yourself, don’t worry too much. You can find yourself again and stay happy in your relationship (if that’s what you want)! The first step I recommend to people who want to begin this process is to start considering what you miss about yourself or the person you want to become again. Get curious about which aspects of you are missing currently and which aspects you want to reclaim.

Let’s say that before you began your current relationship, you spent every opportunity you had backpacking alone to reconnect with yourself and nature. Perhaps doing this every weekend is simply out of the question right now because you don’t have time or space for it, but is there some way that you can start to bring some of that back in? Could you perhaps go backpacking once a month? Once every few months? Maybe you only have time for day hikes. However you can start to reclaim those little aspects of who you are is a huge win, even if they feel like huge concessions in the moment. Reclaiming yourself doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner(s). 

How can people support their partner(s) through this transition?

Reestablishing boundaries in a long-term relationship can feel scary for a number of reasons that we don’t have space to get into here. Any one of them can result in it feeling really intimidating and almost threatening feeling to you or your partner(s). Have a conversation with your partner(s) about what it is about the relationship that you want to protect and hold on to. You can also reassure your partner(s) that this will be a slow process and that they get to have input in terms of what this looks like for the relationship.

It can also be helpful to remind your partner why you want to do this and reassure them that you want to strengthen your relationship by strengthening your relationship with yourself. Hold space for your partner’s experience and encourage them to come along with you on the quest to become individuals again.

How can a counselor support couples and individuals through this transition?

When you feel insecure in your relationship or find that you’re feeling smothered by it, it’s helpful to seek out guidance from a counselor. Typically, when we’re dealing with extreme ends of the spectrum, it indicates that there are underlying beliefs at play that can be complicated to see and work through when you’re in the middle of it. These beliefs can be fears, anxieties, beliefs about how relationships work, beliefs about your own worth, etc. Having someone who is trained to help recognize how those patterns are playing out and impacting you and your experience gives you a better opportunity for those patterns to be spotted and addressed. It’s like that phrase “you can’t see the forest through the trees,” or why a lifeguard doesn’t get in the pool with everyone; if you’re too close, you can’t see the bigger picture.

A counselor will be able to help you get to the root of how you got lost in each other and how to reclaim your individuality in a way that serves each partner and the relationship.

The bottom line

You are your own unique person who brings something special to each of your relationships. Losing yourself in your relationship doesn’t help anyone, and you deserve to love yourself for who you are. Relationships are stronger and more beautiful when they’re made up of individuals. If you’re ready to embark on this journey and want a little extra guidance, you can reach out to us here at Pivotal Counseling or read more about how we support relationships of all kinds on our Couples Counseling page. This is your relationship, and you deserve to show up in it authentically.