Telling your partner that you want to go to couples counseling requires being really vulnerable. When your partner says they don’t want to go or don’t think it’s necessary, it can be frustrating, disappointing, and discouraging. However, it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship, and it doesn’t mean that you’re in a hopeless situation. So, instead of sitting with anger and hopelessness, what can you do? If you don’t know how to reply when your partner says that you don’t need couples counseling, then you have come to the right place.
What do I do when my partner doesn't think couples counseling is necessary?
Not everyone wants to go to counseling, and their reasons are their own. As the partner who wants to go to couples counseling, it’s important to recognize that, generally speaking, your partner’s reaction to the proposal of counseling is about them, not you or your relationship. In fact, we just wrote a whole post about this. Read more about that here. For our purposes here, suffice it to say that you can leave some space for your partner to deal with whatever is coming up for them, and start with yourself. Look into individual counseling. If they refuse to go, you can’t force them, and it’s likely not about you. Focus on what you can control: you and your healing.
Another option in this situation is to get creative and ask your partner if they are open to some other options. You could recommend reading or listening to a book together, finding a retreat or marriage seminar, or watching some videos on improving relationships (we have some suggestions below). Many well-educated people want the information they have to be in as many hands as possible, and fortunately for all of us, that means that there is no shortage of wonderful resources that can help your relationship regardless of whether your partner wants to actually go to counseling.
Does individual counseling matter if you really need couples counseling?
Yes! Absolutely. Let’s use a quick metaphor: You have two legs, and one of your legs is out of commission because of a knee injury. You can’t just sit around nursing one knee and ignoring the other leg as a whole. Surely, you can do that, but then you’ll end up with two legs that need to be rehabilitated, not one. So, while you’re waiting for the injured knee to heal, you need to still work out the healthy leg so you don’t double the work you have to do once the other knee is healed. Individual counseling functions much the same way in a relationship. You can work on yourself regardless of whether or not your partner wants to join you. This may help you avoid some problems, and it will certainly help you as an individual. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot carry the relationship alone. No matter how much work you do, you can’t compensate for your partner not doing any work at all. You can only do as much as you can do for yourself; this will be helpful, but it likely won’t be enough to fully repair your relationship.
In short, yes. It does matter. You deserve to be healthy and whole.
Can I fix the relationship without couples counseling if I think we really need it?
In truth, it depends. On the one hand, people have been solving relationship problems without professional help for centuries, since the beginning of relationships, really. So, yes, some relationships can get better without couples counseling. The caveat, here, though, is that you can’t fix a relationship by hoping that it will get better and not doing anything else. Without professional help, you will need to really lean into the hard work and heavy lifting that goes into repairing a relationship.
On the other hand, there are a lot of relationships who barely make it with a lot of help from a skilled clinician. Far too often, we can’t see our own issues well enough to address them. Oftentimes, you need an outside, educated perspective of a couples counselor to actually see what is at play and recognize the root of the issues. Not having that outside, educated perspective might mean that some of the issues are poorly addressed, don’t get addressed at all, or, in some circumstances, are made worse.
The last thing to remember is that an ended relationship isn’t a failed relationship. Your relationship can run its course and end without being labeled as a “failure.” Sometimes, an ending is the healthiest option for everyone involved.
Is it ever okay to give an ultimatum in a relationship?
Lots of people confuse “give an ultimatum” with “threaten.” Threats aren’t helpful. Most of the time they don’t work to get the person to do what you want. And even if they do, they undermine trust, damage the relationship, and ultimately can breed resentment. Ultimatums, if what makes them distinct from a threat comes through, have more potential to be helpful. Two good things to help you know if you are giving an ultimatum or a threat are the sincerity of the words and the tone you use.
First is sincerity. If you say “if you don’t go to couples counseling, then we’re done,” but you don’t actually mean it, that’s a threat, not an ultimatum. Threats are about control. You’re essenetially lying about what will happen to try to control your partner. If they go along with it and learn you weren’t honest, it may do a lot of damage. If they don’t go along with it and you don’t leave, they now know you were lying and they can’t trust you. Both ways, they end up feeling manipulated.
Let’s say that you truly are done with the relationship and are prepared to be out by the end of the week if they don’t go to counseling. If you approach your partner and scream at them “either you go to couples counseling or I’m leaving,” they’ll probably still take it as a threat even if you mean it. Instead, find a quiet time to have a heartfelt and calm conversation about how you are feeling, the desperation and hopelessness that is setting in, and how you have come to a decision that if the two of you don’t get into couples counseling and get to work that you have to leave for your own wellbeing.
A real ultimatum in a relationship is about honest communication and empowering the partner to be able to make a very clearly informed choice, not about exercising power and making them do what you want. You cannot control your partner; you cannot force them to do anything, and if you want a healthy relationship (and since you’re here, you likely do), a threat is never the way to make healthy progress. If you are at the end of your rope, then tell your partner that you have to be done if they won’t go. That is okay.
What can I do if I’ve already gotten angry with my partner for saying no? How do I repair while holding my stance?
Your behavior and feelings are separate. If you have already gotten angry with your partner, take a step back to separate out your feelings, needs, and hopes from your behavior. You can apologize for behaving poorly while not apologizing for your needs. Acknowledge to your partner that the way you went about getting your needs met was hurtful and apologize for it. Then, you can find a new way to approach your partner and come up with some ideas to honor everyone’s needs and feelings.
Be creative and get help in other ways
We’ve already discussed that being creative about the help you find can be really beneficial when your partner doesn’t want to go to counseling, but we don’t want to leave you high and dry when it comes to actually finding those resources.
Books
These days, it’s pretty simple to do a quick Google search to find reputable books about relationships and marriage. So, please be sure to do your own research to find something that resonates with you and both challenges and aligns with your current worldview. A few we recommend are:
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For: Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz
TED Talks
The Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship That Lasts by Maya Diamond
The Science of Love by John Gottman
10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation by Celeste Headlee
Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships by Joanne Davila
Relationships are Hard, But Why? by Stan Tatkin
Final thoughts
Don’t give up hope, be creative, find other ways to do it, and get back to what you can control and work on yourself. It takes more than one person to make a relationship work and be healthy, but the fact is that you can only do so much. You can work on yourself; you can share what you’re learning from your own counselor with your partner; you can recommend books, podcasts, retreats, and other resources to your partner; you can help your partner realize and work through the issues on your own.
If you are ready for individual counseling or want to learn more about couples counseling in general, you can look at what we offer at Pivotal Counseling. Have hope and remember what you’re working toward. You are worthy of a healthy, beautiful relationship, especially with yourself. If your partner isn’t ready to do the work but you are, then do the work for you.
If you’re in Northern Colorado and are ready to get started on the work, call Pivotal Counseling at (970) 281-4677 or fill out our online contact form, and we’ll reach out to you.
