If you have intentionally found your way to this post and are wondering whether it is possible to save your relationship, then things are probably looking up for you. Assuming you made your way here because you have a desire to save your relationship, at least. But, we need to start with some very important disclaimers for this sticky topic:
It is not ethical for a therapist to tell you whether your relationship can be saved. Furthermore, I am not your therapist and am speaking in generalizations and observations made over my years of training, research, and practice. The content provided here is intended for informational purposes only and should be treated as such. Your situation is unique to you, and only you get to decide whether your relationship can be saved.
There are a lot of posts on the internet that will give you signs that your relationship cannot be saved. Some of them will list all of the terrible reasons that your relationship is beyond repair, some of them might be eye-opening, offensive, or even cause you undue anxiety. This is not one of those posts. Aside from the fact that it’s unethical to tell someone I do not know (or do know, for that matter) that their relationship is over, it just isn’t always healthy. If you are already feeling anxious and bummed because you’re worried your relationship is over, the last thing you need is a list of things that will make you feel worse. If you do love your partner and want to stay in the relationship, you don’t need more ammunition for bitterness and resentment; you need hope, guidance, and encouragement. So, let’s dig in and help you better evaluate whether your relationship can make it.
What are some signs that my relationship can be saved?
This is a great question, and I offer four positive signs that you can reclaim the love, affection, and connection in your relationship:
You want to save it
You’re willing to do the work
You still see the good in your partner(s)
Your partner wants to save it and is willing to do the work
Let’s get right into what this all means.
You want to save it
If you actually want to save your relationship, you’re on the right track. That’s the biggest positive indicator that providers see when working with relationships. If you don’t want to save your relationship, the odds are pretty high that you won’t get very far. And that’s okay. But if you do want to save it, take this as a positive sign.
You are willing to do the work
Saving a relationship is no small feat. It takes hard, vulnerable work, particularly work on yourself. If you are willing to do the hard work and face the difficult things, then you can likely save your relationship—and you’ll be a better individual for it.
Note, though, that your partner also has to be willing to do their own work. Even if it was possible to do their work for them, their not doing their own work won’t turn out well for them, for the relationship, or for you.
You still see the good in your partner(s)
If you can see the good in your partner(s) still, then that’s a really good sign. Seeing good in them means you can see what you’re fighting to hang on to, why they are worth the work to have a relationship with.
When you can’t see any good in them, you’re likely wading into contempt. Contempt, as outlined by John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, is when you see your partner(s) as beneath you or you feel disgust towards them. And it is a pretty big sign that you have some serious hurdles to overcome. Does this mean your relationship is beyond the point of saving? Absolutely not. It means there is some extra work to do but it isn’t a final death sentence. However, if you can still see the good and light in your partner, then that’s a great sign.
Your partner wants to save the relationship
It is an “all hands on deck” effort to make a relationship work; it only takes one person to end a relationship. If your partner is as willing as you are to do the hard work to save your relationship, then you will likely be able to accomplish this.
What if my partner(s) disagrees about the state of the relationship?
If one person says that the relationship is in trouble, it’s in trouble. That doesn’t mean the person on the listening end is going to agree or respond well. Be mindful that hearing this could be really scary and possibly even triggering, especially if your partner is dealing with any kind of abandonment trauma. Your feelings are valid and your reality of the situation is your reality, their reality is theirs.
Give your partner time to process and sit with what you told them. Judgment and defensiveness won’t get you very far, so if you need to give your partner space to process, then do it; allowing this space and opening up this dialogue is the first step toward saving your relationship. It can be helpful to ask your partner how they would want you to respond if they had come to you with concerns. Let them know you want to feel as confident about the relationship as they do and ask if they can help you get there by addressing some of what you are concerned about.
If, however, your partner vehemently disagrees with you, then you may need to revisit the section above about each of you being willing to do your own work. Your partner’s reality is not yours, and they don’t get to “overrule” how you feel about the relationship. Basically, it isn’t fine just because they insist it is.
What if I don’t want to save my relationship?
Sometimes, people need permission to let go of a relationship. Breaking up, even divorcing, doesn’t have to be a failure. A successful relationship can run its course, and because you had a happy and healthy relationship once doesn’t always mean that you will grow together. If you find yourself doubting whether you even want to save your relationship, know that it’s okay to feel that way and that you are allowed to let go.
What is a therapist’s role in healing relationships?
You have likely heard the phrase “it is difficult to see the forest through the trees.” When you’re standing in the middle of something, you only see what is right in front of you. You don’t have the appropriate vantage point to take in all of the intricacies that create the environment surrounding your immediate location. The same is true for relationships. While a therapist cannot ethically tell you whether or not your relationship can be saved, a therapist can see hurdles and issues that you may not clearly see because they are an outside observer.
My final thoughts
A single person cannot carry a relationship alone. It is an impossibility, and even if it were possible, it would be too much work and the division of labor is entirely unsustainable. Whether or not your relationship can be saved is up to you and your partner(s); no one else gets to decide this. And, whether or not you can do the work and navigate through the issues, not wanting to save the relationship is an okay choice, too. Ended relationships do not have to be failed relationships. If you are ready to start working on yourself and your relationship, call a qualified counselor in your area. At Pivotal Counseling, we help all sorts of relationships navigate hurdles that can feel insurmountable. Getting started is the hardest part. To learn more about how we can help your relationship, see our relationship counseling page. If you’re ready to get started, give us a call at (970) 281-4677 or fill out our online contact form.
You deserve a happy, healthy relationship. You are worthy of love.
