This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.
***
Pleasure is one of our main motivators for seeking sexual experiences (whether solo or partnered). Because it feels good! Pleasure is at the core of sex. However, it’s often excluded from our discourse about sexuality. And that can lead to some really big problems.
Problem 1: not understanding what pleasure encompasses
When most people think of sexual pleasure, they think of orgasms. And of course they do! Orgasms are a wonderful source of pleasure. And, they are only a part of sexual pleasure. Touching, caressing, holding, tickling, grabbing, nuzzling, squeezing, kissing, sucking, slapping, grinding, massaging, and a host of other things (all consensually done, of course) can be wonderfully pleasurable also for both the giver and the receiver. Even just watching a partner be sexual–such as watching them masturbate–can be pleasurable for the watcher.
Most people don’t think of pleasure that way though and it means that they end up missing out on so much!
Problem 2: Shame
We are bombarded with so many conflicting messages about sexual pleasure by society and culture, loudly broadcast through song lyrics, movies and television and softly (sometimes loudly) reinforced by well-intentioned but misinformed parents, partners, educators, peers, and clergy. There’s something “dirty” about sex being pleasurable, so they tell us. It’s referenced with winks and nods, scowls and furrowed eyebrows. Sexual activity being pleasurable is treated as though it is an unfortunate consequence.
When we don’t teach that pleasure is supposed to be part of sex, we open the door to shame. People feel badly about wanting to experience sexual pleasure. And if they do want it, they worry then that something is wrong with them: that they’re broken or “perverted”.
Pleasure is not a bug in our sexual programming; it’s a fantastic feature! We as human beings are wired to experience pleasure in touch of all forms. It’s why we pay money to get a massage and hug our loved ones. Being wired for pleasure in touch is why skin lotion is a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s why infants (and grown-ups) find so much soothing and peace when they experience skin-to-skin contact. Sexual pleasure is simply an extension and form of touch pleasure.
Problem 3: Sex as a pass/fail test
If the measure of successful or ‘correct’ sex is penetration or orgasm, that closes the door to a lot of sexual experiences. It also means that sexual experiences that could otherwise be wonderful and fulfilling will end up being seen as ‘failed’ or ‘insufficient’. People for whom penetration or orgasm is impossible or difficult or painful will close themselves off to sex because they can’t ‘get it right’.
However, when pleasure is the measure, the door to sexuality and sexual experiences can be thrown wide open. We can welcome variety, flexibility, and playfulness to our sexual experiences. There is more room for experimentation and exploration because our focus is on the journey of pleasure through the sexual experience, rather than the destination of orgasm. Remember: many roads lead to pleasure…only a few roads lead to orgasm.
Feel free to read the rest of the articles in this blog series:
Sexual Health Principle 1: Consent
Sexual Health Principle 2: Non-Exploitation
Sexual Health Principle 3: Honesty
Sexual Health Principle 4: Shared Values
Sexual Health Principle 5: Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy
Sexual Health Principle 6: Pleasure (this article)
