If you’ve ever been in any kind of relationship (so, everyone), then you’re familiar with compromising. In fact, you’ve likely been doing it since before you were capable of making long-term memories. Because compromise is such a normal part of existing in a group, we can sometimes do it without knowing why or how we’re doing it. Take language for example, a native English speaker can speak and write with relatively good grammar, but they may not be able to pass a grammar test; this isn’t because they don’t know how to do it but rather because they can’t articulate exactly why they do it this way. The same goes for a compromise. It seems simple: I want A, and you want B. So, we get both A and B or we get A this time and B next time.
Unfortunately, it isn’t always this simple, especially in romantic relationships. Generally, a compromise means that all parties involved in a conflict or decision make a concession in order to come to a choice that best serves everyone. It is an important part of any healthy relationship because it allows partners to meet their needs together, build trust, and honor and respect the other person or people. However, not every relationship always gets compromise right. This can turn an opportunity for connection into a conflict.
For this article, we’re going to take a look at a single couple.* One partner wants to go to the zoo, and the other doesn’t for various reasons. We’ll take this couple through a few situations wherein they both can and cannot compromise.
*While we’re looking at a couple in this blog, everything can be, and should be, applied to polyamorous relationships as well.
What is a compromise?
A compromise seems simple: it’s what happens when two or more parties each want something different, and each side makes a concession. Essentially, a compromise is truly as simple as it seems, as long as the issue at hand is an issue that can actually be compromised. Therein lies the main issue: not everything can be compromised and not knowing what to do when you’re stuck is not only unhelpful but can be harmful.
What people get wrong about compromising
There are three main things people get wrong about compromise.
They think everything can be compromised
They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective
They think compromise is about fairness
Yes, a compromise is about making sure that all parties are involved in a decision, but there are delicate components that are often overlooked. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to compromise, use this list to make sure you’ve checked all the boxes and strengthened your relationship in the process. Sometimes dinner and a movie isn’t just dinner and a movie.
Not everything can be a compromise
An issue cannot be compromised when it involves deeper meaning, morals, hopes, and dreams. When something is of little consequence to us, we might assume that it’s of little consequence to our partner(s) as well. However, it’s not always that simple, and communication is key to figuring out whether the issue at hand can actually be compromised. So, let’s look at our couple:
When the issue can be compromised:
Both partners just want a date afternoon and aren’t particularly opposed to either location for moral or ethical reasons. The location of the date is inconsequential as long as they’re together.
When the issue can’t be compromised:
One partner is morally or ethically opposed to the zoo
One partner has a deep emotional attachment to their chosen location
If an issue, like where to go on your date, is of little consequence to you but your partner is really excited to go on a date at the zoo because they’re passionate about the animals, then maybe you just go to the zoo. However, if you’re morally opposed to zoos and refuse to patronize them, then you’ve found yourself at an impasse because this issue is no longer something that can be compromised.
So, what do you do? Clearly, the zoo is out of the question, but your partner still wants to enjoy the immersive learning experience and day out that the zoo provides. Perhaps you can find an animal rescue to visit, you can volunteer and the animal shelter together, or spend the day at a science museum or botanical garden. This way, both people feel important and both people’s dreams and morals are being honored.
If the compromise is something that leaves either person feeling like they aren’t being true to themselves or that they are going against what is right, good, ethical, or moral, then compromising won’t work. In fact, it’s likely to contribute to some bad feelings, distance, or possibly even resentment. Always make sure to determine why the other person wants what they want. What is inconsequential to you may not be to them.
They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective
Oftentimes, people get stuck on trying to get what they want and end up getting lost in the details instead of working with their partner on the parts that actually matter. Compromise only works when the issue is purely circumstantial, like deciding whether to go to the zoo or the science museum. An issue that is not purely circumstantial would be when one partner wants to go to the zoo for their date night and one partner doesn’t think the zoo is “a good use of money right now.”
In this zoo-going example, one partner could get so lost trying to convince their partner to go to the zoo that they fail to see the other person’s real concern. And the other partner could be so lost in the details about finances that they fail to see what the other person is really asking for. The partner who wants to go to the zoo really wants to spend quality time together somewhere they enjoy, and the other partner is really just concerned about having enough money to pay the bills.
Getting lost in the details about what you really want makes it difficult to get down to the deeper meaning. In this instance, if the couple discusses their real concerns, they will likely be able to come up with a more cost-effective experience that is still somewhere they enjoy. However, if they get too lost in the details, they’ll likely end up with conflict instead of compromise.
If there is a deeper meaning, you need to tend to that. If one partner is asked to sacrifice something deeply meaningful without feeling cared for regarding that issue, resentment can grow. Use this opportunity to make sure that your partner(s) feels like you’re hearing what they’re saying and understanding their concerns.
Compromise isn’t about being fair
If you’re too busy “keeping score” to make sure that everything is fair, you might want to ask yourself and your partner(s) why. A relationship that is too focused on fairness is the perfect breeding ground for resentment. If scorekeeping is a consistent factor in your relationship, reach out to a relationship counselor. Deciding to go with A because you started with B last time works when something is entirely inconsequential, but it doesn’t work when you’re simply trying to make sure everything is fair.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t consider fairness when compromising. If the sides seem to consistently lean in favor of one partner over the other(s), then you may be facing a bigger issue. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what the trends in your relationship seem to be and seek counseling if needed.
Sometimes you’ll feel stuck and won’t have an answer
If you do feel stuck, the first thing you should do is stop and ask why. Run through the list with your partner(s). You have to determine whether or not the issue can be compromised, and sometimes it’s not clear right away. It’s easy to make assumptions about what our partner(s) is thinking, but we’re oftentimes wrong. That said, there are two things to do first:
Consider whether it’s about a deeper issue
Consider whether it’s measurably more important to one person
Once you’ve determined that it is an issue that can be compromised, decide if it’s more important to one partner. If your partner really wants to go to the zoo because it’s a meaningful experience for them, maybe you just go to the zoo.
If it can’t be compromised, you and your partner will need to step back and maybe drop the issue altogether. For our couple, this might look like the zoo-going person going alone or with a friend and the two of them start planning the date from scratch.
Sometimes, compromise is just about doing what your partner wants because it’s more important to them than it is to you.
The bottom line about compromises
Compromise really is an opportunity for all partners in a relationship to show each other that they matter. Everyone wants to feel like they matter and are special, especially in their romantic relationship. Talk with your partner(s) about the issue at hand and figure out whether it really is an issue of consequence. Whether or not it is, take advantage of the opportunity to allow you and your partner(s) to feel heard and cared for. Compromises can be beautiful moments of making sure that both partners feel held in the relationship.
If you and your partner are struggling with conflict and compromising, you’re not alone. We help couples learn to compromise all the time and we can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Written by Ethan L. Bratt, MS, LMFT, CST
Ethan is the co-owner and clinical director of Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He has over 15 years of experience in the field and is licensed to practice in both Colorado and Wyoming. He sees clients in the Greeley, CO office and online. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.