The uncertainty of whether you can save your struggling relationship can feel crippling. We’ve put this post together to help you better evaluate your situation and get started with your healing journey.
How to reclaim your independence in a long-term relationship
When you’ve been in a relationship for years and years, it can be easy to lose yourself a bit. In fact, for many of us, losing yourself is the norm, the expectation, the go-to pop culture example of relationship ideals. For example, think about Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother and every time we combine people’s names like Brangelina; it’s almost as if a “good” couple is a couple of people who become a single person with a single identity. Popular as this may have been (or still is), it’s actually quite unhealthy. The couples who have healthy long-lasting relationships are the ones who are able to maintain a healthy balance of “me” and “we.”
For the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking about people who are in an otherwise healthy relationship. For people in abusive and manipulative relationships, some of this may not apply, and deeper healing and help will be required to get out of the relationship and back to yourself. Your safety should be your primary concern.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 for confidential support. If you can and are comfortable with it and feel safe doing so, please seek a qualified professional in your area for ongoing therapeutic support.
Why do people tend to lose themselves in relationships?
There are a lot reasons we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship. Oftentimes, we’ve seen that people lose their individuality with the best of intentions: people want to please their partner(s). It can feel pretty innocuous. We want to feel safe and secure in our relationship, and we tend to think that surrendering to our partner(s) will help us feel this way. A lot of people end up losing themselves in an effort to become the person we think our partner wants us to be.
Another reason people tend to lose themselves in a relationship is because time is at a premium. We only have so much time in a day, and balancing everything we have to do can mean that we have to let some things go by the wayside. When you’re in a relationship, the thing we tend to let go is our individuality because we want to spend time doing things with our partner(s). It isn’t always, or is hardly ever, sinister.
What happens to the relationship when people lose their individuality within a relationship?
When people lose their individuality in their relationship, the relationship can start to feel stale. Even worse, it can lead to feelings of resentment, and some people even start to feel like their partner is to blame for their loss of self. For a while, it might seem like things are going great. We feel good about being close and connected but then we may start to get frustrated and feel a little smothered or dissatisfied. It’s easy to blame the relationship when in reality it’s because we let go of something that was a part of us.
Essentially, not only can we lose ourselves, but we can also lose sight of how it happened. No matter how well-intentioned it began, it’s not healthy for the relationship or the individuals within it.
Why are boundaries important in finding your individuality again?
Boundaries got an unfortunate reputation somewhere along the way. A lot of people, particularly people who are people pleasers, think that the best way to be accepted and “keep the peace” is to forgo their own boundaries and wishes to make the other person or people around them comfortable. A lot of people associate boundaries as something we put in place with someone who is unhealthy. However, when you’re in a healthy relationship, boundaries serve as guidelines to lift up and support each person’s wellbeing.
In a healthy relationship, boundaries create clear distinctions between what is you, me, and us. Let’s pretend that your relationship is a sheet of paper and you and your partner both share a box of crayons. Boundaries would be the outline of a beautiful picture you get to color together. However, without boundaries, you don’t know where to color and may end up with a mess of clashing colors and no distinct picture. In essence, boundaries help us define how your relationship functions and maintains a healthy balance of being individuals and being “us”.
Oftentimes people think that if they truly love someone, they need to do whatever the other person wants. This ultimately ends with people getting lost in each other and a big blurry mess of colors. Not having boundaries in a relationship can cause something with the potential to be beautiful to turn into something wholly unrecognizable.
How to start reclaiming your individuality within a relationship
If you’re worried you’ve already lost yourself, don’t worry too much. You can find yourself again and stay happy in your relationship (if that’s what you want)! The first step I recommend to people who want to begin this process is to start considering what you miss about yourself or the person you want to become again. Get curious about which aspects of you are missing currently and which aspects you want to reclaim.
Let’s say that before you began your current relationship, you spent every opportunity you had backpacking alone to reconnect with yourself and nature. Perhaps doing this every weekend is simply out of the question right now because you don’t have time or space for it, but is there some way that you can start to bring some of that back in? Could you perhaps go backpacking once a month? Once every few months? Maybe you only have time for day hikes. However you can start to reclaim those little aspects of who you are is a huge win, even if they feel like huge concessions in the moment. Reclaiming yourself doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner(s).
How can people support their partner(s) through this transition?
Reestablishing boundaries in a long-term relationship can feel scary for a number of reasons that we don’t have space to get into here. Any one of them can result in it feeling really intimidating and almost threatening feeling to you or your partner(s). Have a conversation with your partner(s) about what it is about the relationship that you want to protect and hold on to. You can also reassure your partner(s) that this will be a slow process and that they get to have input in terms of what this looks like for the relationship.
It can also be helpful to remind your partner why you want to do this and reassure them that you want to strengthen your relationship by strengthening your relationship with yourself. Hold space for your partner’s experience and encourage them to come along with you on the quest to become individuals again.
How can a counselor support couples and individuals through this transition?
When you feel insecure in your relationship or find that you’re feeling smothered by it, it’s helpful to seek out guidance from a counselor. Typically, when we’re dealing with extreme ends of the spectrum, it indicates that there are underlying beliefs at play that can be complicated to see and work through when you’re in the middle of it. These beliefs can be fears, anxieties, beliefs about how relationships work, beliefs about your own worth, etc. Having someone who is trained to help recognize how those patterns are playing out and impacting you and your experience gives you a better opportunity for those patterns to be spotted and addressed. It’s like that phrase “you can’t see the forest through the trees,” or why a lifeguard doesn’t get in the pool with everyone; if you’re too close, you can’t see the bigger picture.
A counselor will be able to help you get to the root of how you got lost in each other and how to reclaim your individuality in a way that serves each partner and the relationship.
The bottom line
You are your own unique person who brings something special to each of your relationships. Losing yourself in your relationship doesn’t help anyone, and you deserve to love yourself for who you are. Relationships are stronger and more beautiful when they’re made up of individuals. If you’re ready to embark on this journey and want a little extra guidance, you can reach out to us here at Pivotal Counseling or read more about how we support relationships of all kinds on our Couples Counseling page. This is your relationship, and you deserve to show up in it authentically.
How to bring up relationship counseling with your partner(s)
When it comes to broaching the topic of relationship counseling with your partner(s), you may find yourself a little hesitant. There are a few ways to do it so that your partner is more receptive and open, and, most importantly, not defensive. Attending relationship counseling is a great way to strengthen your relationship, and it in no way means that your relationship is in trouble. The strongest relationships are the ones that tend to issues as they arise, and relationship counseling can help facilitate this work.
If you’re ready to take the first step and propose counseling, congratulations. You’re about to embark on a wonderful journey. Here are some tips to help you bring it up to your partner in a way that helps you stay on the same team.
Every relationship has problems, and that’s okay
Every relationship has problems, and couples counseling or relationship counseling is in no way a sign that your relationship is doomed. Even business partners can attend relationship counseling. If you’re worried that asking your partner to go to relationship counseling means that your relationship is already past the point of saving, you’re absolutely wrong. While some couples do decide that they no longer wish to participate in the relationship, many people leave couples counseling or relationship counseling feeling more secure in their relationship than ever.
No one is perfect, and imperfect people miscommunicate with the best intentions all the time. Additionally, everyone comes with their own set of coping mechanisms that can, at any time, become no longer useful, and these can turn into problems in a relationship. It’s all normal. You’re only human. Your partner(s) is only human. We’re all trying to figure out how to do life together, and sometimes it can get sticky. It’s perfectly normal.
5 ways to tell your partner you want to go to couples therapy
There are countless ways to tell your partner(s) that relationship counseling has been on your mind. However, the most effective way to approach the subject will disarm your partner(s) and give you both (or all) hope. The top five tips that we recommend clients follow when bringing this up are:
Acknowledge that there is a problem with the relationship, not with your partner, and be specific
Make it about strengthening the relationship and your future
Bring it up gently so that your partner(s) doesn’t feel ambushed
Make it stress- and pressure-free
Tell your partner you love them
It’s you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you against your partner(s)
One surefire way to make your partner(s) feel defensive is to tell them they’re the problem. It can help to be specific about why you want to go to relationship counseling and then remind them that you are a team. Instead of a quick “we need relationship counseling because we need help,” try something like “It seems to me that every time we talk about simple decisions, we end up fighting. I think it could be beneficial to get professional guidance on how to communicate more effectively.” Remind your partner(s) that you’re on the same team and that this is a mutual issue. Blame has no place in this discussion. Working as a team means accepting the mutual behaviors that got you here—you’re in this together.
Focus on strengthening the relationship and make it about the future
Saying “I’ll divorce you if you don’t go to counseling” is a pretty aggressive and ineffective way of asking your partner to go to counseling. Instead, tell your partner(s) that you want to stay together and really care about the future of your relationship. Focus your request on how you want to strengthen the relationship but steer clear of threats and blame surrounding ending the relationship.
Tell your partner that you really want your relationship to work, and that’s why you’re so passionate about going to counseling. You can say something like “I’m starting to feel a little bummed about where we’re at as partners, and I’m worried about our future. I don’t want to wait until we hate each other to work this out.”
Don’t surprise or pressure your partner
Surprising your partner or blurting something heavy out is generally ill-advised if you can help it. Find a relaxed time and place to start an open discussion. Instead of just telling your partner(s) you want to go to relationship or couples counseling, ask them how they feel about the idea of going to counseling and let it be a discussion and a choice. Allow your partner the space to process your request and contribute to the discussion in a meaningful way. It’s important to remember that you are partners, and allowing this to be a decision made in partnership with each other can help set you up for success with your counseling experience.
Tell your partner you love them
This is perhaps the most important part, and you should do it no matter what approach you take. Of course, be honest. If you don’t love your partner, then maybe reconsider relationship counseling. There is little sense in trying to save a relationship with someone you don’t love. However, bookend your request by telling your partner(s) that you love them and that’s why you want to go to counseling. Remind your partner(s) that you think they and the relationship are worth fighting for. Try to see relationship or couples counseling as an act of love and commitment. With the right counselor, relationship counseling can help you and your partner feel more secure, assured, and connected than ever before. Always tell your partner(s) you love them.
What to do if you don’t think your partner will be receptive
Not knowing your partner will be receptive to the idea of counseling can cause an added layer of stress. If you feel confident that your partner will say no, then there are two routes you can take to still get the help and support you need. First, frame it as your own counseling. Assure your partner that it’s okay that they don’t want to go to relationship counseling right now and ask them if they would be willing to come to some of your individual sessions to help you. You can say something like “I understand if you don’t want to go to relationship counseling. I would still like to work on myself, so I’ll go to individual counseling. Would you be open to coming to a few of my individual sessions to help me figure out what’s going on?” This approach may help your partner warm up to the idea of counseling and not feel pressured to go themselves.
The other approach you can take if you don’t think your partner will be receptive to relationship counseling is to ask if there is something that would help them be more open to it. For instance, you can offer to have your partner be involved in choosing the counselor or agreeing to only attend a limited number of sessions as a trial run. By doing this, you’re allowing your partner to have some control over the process. It’s natural that we desire control, and there are countless reasons why your partner(s) may be wary of counseling or therapy. Respecting this concern can be a great first step in laying a solid foundation for success with counseling.
When to bring up relationship counseling
The key to relationship counseling is to get in before your relationship is in serious hot water. I like to tell my clients that their relationship is like a car. If your check engine light comes on but your car seems to be running fine, you have two choices: take the car in to see what’s wrong, or you can ride it out until it breaks down. If you go in right away, you can likely tend to the issue relatively easily. However, it’s a lot more costly to wait until it’s too late. Checking in periodically and making sure that everything is working well is essential to keeping your relationship running smoothly.
The strongest relationships are not the ones that pretend everything is fine; they’re the ones that tend to issues as they arise. Making sure that you and your partner(s) are on the same page and happy in the relationship is always a good idea. You don’t need to feel like you’re at your wits end to go to relationship counseling, and you really shouldn’t wait until you’re at this point. Sometimes you need someone else to step in and help disassemble any barriers to communication that daily life has created.
Finally, you’ve got this
You have every right to ask your partner or partners to go to relationship counseling, and if you feel there is something in your relationship that you want help with, then finding a counselor is definitely the right move. Everyone could benefit from a little extra support now and again. Keep your focus on the positives of what could come from relationship counseling and try to remind yourself that you and your partner(s) are on the same team and you’re in this together.
Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to stay that way. Finding a counselor is the first step in reigniting the passion and reclaiming your relationship. We specialize in helping relationships of all types. Read more about how we can help you and your relationship on our Couples Counseling page or feel free to reach out and ask us about how we can help your relationship specifically.
Written by Ethan Bratt, LMFT, CST
Are you compromising wrong?
If you’ve ever been in any kind of relationship (so, everyone), then you’re familiar with compromising. In fact, you’ve likely been doing it since before you were capable of making long-term memories. Because compromise is such a normal part of existing in a group, we can sometimes do it without knowing why or how we’re doing it. Take language for example, a native English speaker can speak and write with relatively good grammar, but they may not be able to pass a grammar test; this isn’t because they don’t know how to do it but rather because they can’t articulate exactly why they do it this way. The same goes for a compromise. It seems simple: I want A, and you want B. So, we get both A and B or we get A this time and B next time.
Unfortunately, it isn’t always this simple, especially in romantic relationships. Generally, a compromise means that all parties involved in a conflict or decision make a concession in order to come to a choice that best serves everyone. It is an important part of any healthy relationship because it allows partners to meet their needs together, build trust, and honor and respect the other person or people. However, not every relationship always gets compromise right. This can turn an opportunity for connection into a conflict.
For this article, we’re going to take a look at a single couple.* One partner wants to go to the zoo, and the other doesn’t for various reasons. We’ll take this couple through a few situations wherein they both can and cannot compromise.
*While we’re looking at a couple in this blog, everything can be, and should be, applied to polyamorous relationships as well.
What is a compromise?
A compromise seems simple: it’s what happens when two or more parties each want something different, and each side makes a concession. Essentially, a compromise is truly as simple as it seems, as long as the issue at hand is an issue that can actually be compromised. Therein lies the main issue: not everything can be compromised and not knowing what to do when you’re stuck is not only unhelpful but can be harmful.
What people get wrong about compromising
There are three main things people get wrong about compromise.
They think everything can be compromised
They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective
They think compromise is about fairness
Yes, a compromise is about making sure that all parties are involved in a decision, but there are delicate components that are often overlooked. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to compromise, use this list to make sure you’ve checked all the boxes and strengthened your relationship in the process. Sometimes dinner and a movie isn’t just dinner and a movie.
Not everything can be a compromise
An issue cannot be compromised when it involves deeper meaning, morals, hopes, and dreams. When something is of little consequence to us, we might assume that it’s of little consequence to our partner(s) as well. However, it’s not always that simple, and communication is key to figuring out whether the issue at hand can actually be compromised. So, let’s look at our couple:
When the issue can be compromised:
Both partners just want a date afternoon and aren’t particularly opposed to either location for moral or ethical reasons. The location of the date is inconsequential as long as they’re together.
When the issue can’t be compromised:
One partner is morally or ethically opposed to the zoo
One partner has a deep emotional attachment to their chosen location
If an issue, like where to go on your date, is of little consequence to you but your partner is really excited to go on a date at the zoo because they’re passionate about the animals, then maybe you just go to the zoo. However, if you’re morally opposed to zoos and refuse to patronize them, then you’ve found yourself at an impasse because this issue is no longer something that can be compromised.
So, what do you do? Clearly, the zoo is out of the question, but your partner still wants to enjoy the immersive learning experience and day out that the zoo provides. Perhaps you can find an animal rescue to visit, you can volunteer and the animal shelter together, or spend the day at a science museum or botanical garden. This way, both people feel important and both people’s dreams and morals are being honored.
If the compromise is something that leaves either person feeling like they aren’t being true to themselves or that they are going against what is right, good, ethical, or moral, then compromising won’t work. In fact, it’s likely to contribute to some bad feelings, distance, or possibly even resentment. Always make sure to determine why the other person wants what they want. What is inconsequential to you may not be to them.
They get lost in the details and don’t see it from their partner’s perspective
Oftentimes, people get stuck on trying to get what they want and end up getting lost in the details instead of working with their partner on the parts that actually matter. Compromise only works when the issue is purely circumstantial, like deciding whether to go to the zoo or the science museum. An issue that is not purely circumstantial would be when one partner wants to go to the zoo for their date night and one partner doesn’t think the zoo is “a good use of money right now.”
In this zoo-going example, one partner could get so lost trying to convince their partner to go to the zoo that they fail to see the other person’s real concern. And the other partner could be so lost in the details about finances that they fail to see what the other person is really asking for. The partner who wants to go to the zoo really wants to spend quality time together somewhere they enjoy, and the other partner is really just concerned about having enough money to pay the bills.
Getting lost in the details about what you really want makes it difficult to get down to the deeper meaning. In this instance, if the couple discusses their real concerns, they will likely be able to come up with a more cost-effective experience that is still somewhere they enjoy. However, if they get too lost in the details, they’ll likely end up with conflict instead of compromise.
If there is a deeper meaning, you need to tend to that. If one partner is asked to sacrifice something deeply meaningful without feeling cared for regarding that issue, resentment can grow. Use this opportunity to make sure that your partner(s) feels like you’re hearing what they’re saying and understanding their concerns.
Compromise isn’t about being fair
If you’re too busy “keeping score” to make sure that everything is fair, you might want to ask yourself and your partner(s) why. A relationship that is too focused on fairness is the perfect breeding ground for resentment. If scorekeeping is a consistent factor in your relationship, reach out to a relationship counselor. Deciding to go with A because you started with B last time works when something is entirely inconsequential, but it doesn’t work when you’re simply trying to make sure everything is fair.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t consider fairness when compromising. If the sides seem to consistently lean in favor of one partner over the other(s), then you may be facing a bigger issue. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what the trends in your relationship seem to be and seek counseling if needed.
Sometimes you’ll feel stuck and won’t have an answer
If you do feel stuck, the first thing you should do is stop and ask why. Run through the list with your partner(s). You have to determine whether or not the issue can be compromised, and sometimes it’s not clear right away. It’s easy to make assumptions about what our partner(s) is thinking, but we’re oftentimes wrong. That said, there are two things to do first:
Consider whether it’s about a deeper issue
Consider whether it’s measurably more important to one person
Once you’ve determined that it is an issue that can be compromised, decide if it’s more important to one partner. If your partner really wants to go to the zoo because it’s a meaningful experience for them, maybe you just go to the zoo.
If it can’t be compromised, you and your partner will need to step back and maybe drop the issue altogether. For our couple, this might look like the zoo-going person going alone or with a friend and the two of them start planning the date from scratch.
Sometimes, compromise is just about doing what your partner wants because it’s more important to them than it is to you.
The bottom line about compromises
Compromise really is an opportunity for all partners in a relationship to show each other that they matter. Everyone wants to feel like they matter and are special, especially in their romantic relationship. Talk with your partner(s) about the issue at hand and figure out whether it really is an issue of consequence. Whether or not it is, take advantage of the opportunity to allow you and your partner(s) to feel heard and cared for. Compromises can be beautiful moments of making sure that both partners feel held in the relationship.
If you and your partner are struggling with conflict and compromising, you’re not alone. We help couples learn to compromise all the time and we can help you, too. Check out our page on Couples Counseling or reach out and get in touch to ask how we can help.
Written by Ethan L. Bratt, MS, LMFT, CST
Ethan is the co-owner and clinical director of Pivotal Counseling, LLC. He has over 15 years of experience in the field and is licensed to practice in both Colorado and Wyoming. He sees clients in the Greeley, CO office and online. To learn more about him or see more of his blog articles, you can visit his bio page.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
How Adding Play to Relationship Conflict Makes Change Easier
© Guilherme Jofili, CC License 2.0: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
Invitations vs. Ultimatums
Imagine you are on a playground. You’re ten years old and you are surrounded by several children your own age. One of the kids tells you about the ‘superman trick’ they can do on the merry-go-round. After they demonstrate the trick to you, they invite you and all of the other kids to try it out too. Everyone is laughing, falling, losing their balance, and having a great time.
Now imagine that exact same scenario, except for that when the kid suggested you try the trick, it came with an ultimatum; something like, “If you don’t do the trick, you can’t play with us anymore”. What started as a fun-filled adventure with some new friends is suddenly a pass-fail test with a high potential for loss or embarrassment. These two scenarios represent a concept I call, Play vs. Pressure Vulnerability.
Pressure Increases the Likelihood of Mistakes
Even though it may have been a while since you were on a playground, this concept has likely shown up in different areas in your life. Consider the last time you were asked to change a behavior or try something new. Were you permitted to make mistakes? What were the consequences of failing to do it perfectly? While there are times when it makes sense for us to stress about a perfect performance or outcome (ie. exams, interviews, etc.), the pressure of perfection can negatively impact the quality of our performance.This is why balance between pressure and play is vital. The first child in the scenario above had the pressure of trying something new and difficult but it happened in the context of a fun game.
Ultimatums and Loss-Aversion in Your Relationship
If you have ever had a relationship where conflict was especially challenging, you may have issued or been given an ultimatum, like “change this behavior or we need to break up”. Generally, ultimatums like this create the pressure we just talked about. The pressure then causes partners to walk on eggshells around each other in fear of losing the relationship. This can make every requested or suggested change seem intimidating for two reasons. First, is “loss-aversion”, or the fear or avoidance one exhibits when there is a cost on-the-line (ie. relationship, money, etc.). Second, is vulnerability, which is a protective state the brain enters when it feels susceptible to harm or criticism. The more there is to lose, the more vulnerable you feel, which makes it much harder to initiate or perform well in new tasks (for some research on this subject, click here).
In order to identify how loss-aversion may be impacting your relationship, it may be helpful to slow down and ask yourself what you are afraid will happen if you make a mistake. For example, if your partner is asking you to offer them more compliments, you may fear that one of your compliments will come across as objectifying, which could lead them to decide to end things with you. This fear may provoke stagnation in the behavior, because the risk feels too high. Once you have identified the fear, it can be helpful to explore whether it is rational or if you are thinking in terms of worst-case scenarios. It is most helpful to reach out to your partner and create a shared vision of what is expected (ie. perfection, failure, retrying attempts, etc.) as you endeavor to repair behaviors.
Once We Take Care of Loss-Aversion, How Do We Add Play?
Play exists in your relationship. Granted, it may not show up in the form of Monopoly every night, but there are countless examples of play in almost every relationship. This is why I encourage partners to look at ways they have fun together when they are not in conflict (i.e. video games, hiking, karaoke, etc.) and find creative ways to bring that form of play into the new task. For example, partners could talk about financial problems while playing on a playground, or they could talk about sexual needs while hiking. Engaging in play with our partners creates a connection we can rely on, even when our attempts to make change do not go as intended.
When Loss Aversion Is Too Overwhelming
Whether the stakes are a loss of the relationship, a night on the couch, or an awkward moment, we tend to place an undue amount of pressure on ourselves to behave perfectly in relationships because of loss-aversion. This can be especially challenging when one has attachment trauma, history of abandonment, or relational anxiety.
While trying this skill out at home is absolutely possible (in fact, here’s a helpful tool to get you started!), it may be challenging to work through some of the deeper issues without exploring them more fully. For those looking for a bit of extra guidance, we at Pivotal Counseling are here to help! Reach out to schedule a free consultation or read more about our approach to relational counseling. We’re here if you need us.
Written by Leighanna Nordstrom, MA, MFTC
Leighanna is a relationship and sex therapist who has been with Pivotal Counseling, LLC since 2019. She works online with clients who are located in Colorado and Wyoming. To learn more about her and see more of her blog articles, you can visit her bio page.
Pivotal Counseling, LLC is the leading provider of relationship and sexuality counseling to people on the northern front range and throughout Colorado and Wyoming. We help people from their pre-teen years to their post-retirement years to have happier and healthier relationships with themselves, their sexuality, and their loved ones.
