Sex Therapy

Sexual Health Principe 1: Consent

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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Consent, at its most basic definition, means: “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something”. That means that the use of force such as abuse, assault, and rape as well as sexual activity with those that cannot consent can never fall within sexual health. But let’s take a deeper dive into what consent really looks like in practice and discuss why consent is necessary for sexual health.

Consent at a Deeper Level

Planned Parenthood describes the nuances of consent using the acronym F.R.I.E.S.

  • Freely Given: Consent must be given free from coercion, manipulation, or pressure. ‘Yes’ is not consensual if there is not an option to say ‘no’.

  • Reversible: Consent requires space for the ‘yes’ to be withdrawn or for the agreement to be changed at any point during the experience.

  • Informed: Informed consent means that each person knows and agrees to all of the information taking place within the sexual experience. 

  • Enthusiastic: Enthusiastic consent is saying ‘yes’ to what you really want to do, rather than saying ‘yes’ only because you think you should or feel expected to.

  • Specific: Consenting to one part of a sexual experience does not mean you’re obligated to consent to everything. Saying ‘yes’ to going to the bedroom doesn’t mean you’ve said ‘yes’ to sex.

Why is Consent Key?

Consent builds trust. By communicating boundaries with a sexual partner, we respect ourselves and our bodies. By listening to a sexual partner’s boundaries, we respect them and their bodies. Consent is the foundation for sexual safety and connection. 

Consent empowers autonomy. When we have the ability to choose our sexual experience, we are more able to step into our desires and explore our sexual relationships with more authenticity and pleasure.

Sexual Health Principle 2: Non-Exploitation

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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Let’s start with what ‘exploitation’ means and work backward from there. Exploitation is treating someone unfairly in order to gain benefit. Usually, this involves leveraging power or privilege in order to get someone to do what will benefit us. An example of exploitation might be an employer hinting that someone’s job might be on the line when asking if anyone will “volunteer” extra time during off-hours for a work project. The employer is leveraging their power as the boss to exploit the employees time and labor.

What does exploitation have to do with sexual health?

Sexual exploitation is when someone leverages power, control, status, or authority to get sexual gratification. Exploiting someone for sex takes away that individual's ability to consent freely and without fear of harm, danger, or retaliation. Think of a boss or a police officer abusing their power to make someone agree to have sex so they don’t lose their job or get arrested. In romantic relationships, exploitation may look like one (or both) partners engaging in some form of infidelity while remaining in the primary relationship, which exploits the partner’s trust in the relationship.

These dynamics, no matter the context in which they occur, can be exceptionally harmful and erode an individual’s sense of comfort, confidence, and safety. Sexual health can never include exploitation. 

Ensuring non-exploitation

How does one ensure that sexual behaviors align with non-exploitation? The first step is to know and communicate your boundaries to everyone involved in a sexual encounter. The partner(s) hearing those boundaries must respect them and not attempt to ‘convince’ or ‘pressure’ you into a sexual act they are not comfortable with. Persuading someone to have sex or do something sexual in exchange for something is never okay. 

Another way to ensure non-exploitation is to listen to yourself, your body, and your limits in the moment and be able to express those feelings to either stop, change, or communicate about what is happening. An exploitive response to this might be your partner continuing the sexual act anyway despite the voiced discomfort. A non-exploitative sexual encounter would be paused or stopped if either partner is feeling ‘icky’ about it and space would be given to explore the concerns. 

Sexual Health Principle 3: Honesty

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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Sexual health requires that people be honest with themselves and honest with their partners. This includes being honest about what sexual acts everyone in the encounter enjoys, wants or doesn’t want, their standards for sex, and how they experience sexuality.

What honesty is…

Human beings are complex, often experiencing conflicting emotions about our own and others' sexuality. Maybe shame is really loud and creates a barrier to being honest with ourselves or others about sex. Maybe embarrassment shows up when we talk about sex because it’s “taboo”. Or perhaps we just don’t know how to talk about sex because we were never taught growing up. These barriers are completely understandable given the societal context in which we live and the confusing, oftentimes contradictory information we receive regarding sexuality. Getting honest with ourselves and our partner(s) can act as a powerful antidote to these uncomfortable emotions. Honesty helps open up conversations, normalize sexual differences, and give permission to be our authentic sexual selves. 

…and what honesty isn’t…

Honesty is not a “tell-all” of our entire sexual history or fantasies in detail. We are all afforded our privacy and can choose to not reveal every single thing about ourselves. However, there are certain things that require honesty in a sexual relationship, such as STI/HIV status or what each person wants out of the sexual experience. Honesty is a process of self-awareness and communication, which requires us to explore and get curious about our sexual pleasure and values. We can ask ourselves (and our partner) questions such as: Is this pleasurable? Am I doing what I honestly want to be doing in this sexual encounter? Are we enjoying this? How do we want to engage in sexual touch that feels genuine to our desires?

…and why it’s crucial!

Honesty is the foundation of trust. Think of honesty as the battery that powers trust. When honesty isn't present, there’s no way to lean into trust. Trust allows us to be vulnerable with our partners. And it is that combination of trust and vulnerability that is crucial for us and our partners to be able to let go during a sexual experience and fully be present with each other. All of that is powered by honesty. Further, with honesty comes connection, openness, and informed consent. These are all components that are so important to our sexual health.

Sexual Health Principle 4: Shared Values

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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The principle of shared values does not mean that we have to have the exact same sexual values as our partner in order to have sexual health. However, it does require having some honest conversations with ourselves and partner(s) about the meaning of being a sexual person, different turn-ons and turn-offs, different sexual acts, the timing of sexual engagement, and the significance of choosing to have sex. It’s a hard and vulnerable part of sexual health but a crucial one.

Sexual Values Offer Insight and Understanding

Sexual values act as our guide or our rubric for helping us put meaning to our sexual motivations. Tuning in to what our motivations are for seeking sexual intimacy with a partner(s) can help highlight our sexual values. Perhaps we are motivated to seek sex to be close with our partner, which may highlight our value of intimate connection with others. Maybe our motivation comes from wanting an orgasm for stress relief, which may signal that we really value sex for pleasure, grounding, and relaxation. The list of sexual values is vast and each person will be unique in their values depending on background, past experiences, culture, etc. 

Sexual Values Evolve

The good news about values: they are not fixed throughout the lifespan! We have the power to explore our current values, educate ourselves on areas we want to understand more, expand our perspective, and update our values accordingly. Basically, we can change our rubric that puts meaning to our sexuality. Working with a sex therapist can help clients discover their sexual values and live in greater alignment with those values in sexual relationships. 

Sharing Sexual Values Isn’t Easy But It’s Worth It

Communicating about sexual values with a partner can feel scary, especially if we have a challenging history, such as trauma, that can greatly impact how we make sense of our sexuality. Even so, it’s crucial to make space for these conversations around values so that each person feels heard and respected.

Sharing our values can bring a greater sense of clarity in our sexual relationships. It can help us to avoid having misaligned expectations or missed needs in our sexual encounters. It can offer richer experiences that are more tuned to each person’s desires. And in the end, it helps us to have sexual experiences that are more fulfilling and far fewer (or avoid entirely) experiences that we may regret.

Feel free to read the rest of the articles in this blog series:

 
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