Sexual Health Principle 3: Honesty

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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Sexual health requires that people be honest with themselves and honest with their partners. This includes being honest about what sexual acts everyone in the encounter enjoys, wants or doesn’t want, their standards for sex, and how they experience sexuality.

What honesty is…

Human beings are complex, often experiencing conflicting emotions about our own and others' sexuality. Maybe shame is really loud and creates a barrier to being honest with ourselves or others about sex. Maybe embarrassment shows up when we talk about sex because it’s “taboo”. Or perhaps we just don’t know how to talk about sex because we were never taught growing up. These barriers are completely understandable given the societal context in which we live and the confusing, oftentimes contradictory information we receive regarding sexuality. Getting honest with ourselves and our partner(s) can act as a powerful antidote to these uncomfortable emotions. Honesty helps open up conversations, normalize sexual differences, and give permission to be our authentic sexual selves. 

…and what honesty isn’t…

Honesty is not a “tell-all” of our entire sexual history or fantasies in detail. We are all afforded our privacy and can choose to not reveal every single thing about ourselves. However, there are certain things that require honesty in a sexual relationship, such as STI/HIV status or what each person wants out of the sexual experience. Honesty is a process of self-awareness and communication, which requires us to explore and get curious about our sexual pleasure and values. We can ask ourselves (and our partner) questions such as: Is this pleasurable? Am I doing what I honestly want to be doing in this sexual encounter? Are we enjoying this? How do we want to engage in sexual touch that feels genuine to our desires?

…and why it’s crucial!

Honesty is the foundation of trust. Think of honesty as the battery that powers trust. When honesty isn't present, there’s no way to lean into trust. Trust allows us to be vulnerable with our partners. And it is that combination of trust and vulnerability that is crucial for us and our partners to be able to let go during a sexual experience and fully be present with each other. All of that is powered by honesty. Further, with honesty comes connection, openness, and informed consent. These are all components that are so important to our sexual health.

Sexual Health Principle 4: Shared Values

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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The principle of shared values does not mean that we have to have the exact same sexual values as our partner in order to have sexual health. However, it does require having some honest conversations with ourselves and partner(s) about the meaning of being a sexual person, different turn-ons and turn-offs, different sexual acts, the timing of sexual engagement, and the significance of choosing to have sex. It’s a hard and vulnerable part of sexual health but a crucial one.

Sexual Values Offer Insight and Understanding

Sexual values act as our guide or our rubric for helping us put meaning to our sexual motivations. Tuning in to what our motivations are for seeking sexual intimacy with a partner(s) can help highlight our sexual values. Perhaps we are motivated to seek sex to be close with our partner, which may highlight our value of intimate connection with others. Maybe our motivation comes from wanting an orgasm for stress relief, which may signal that we really value sex for pleasure, grounding, and relaxation. The list of sexual values is vast and each person will be unique in their values depending on background, past experiences, culture, etc. 

Sexual Values Evolve

The good news about values: they are not fixed throughout the lifespan! We have the power to explore our current values, educate ourselves on areas we want to understand more, expand our perspective, and update our values accordingly. Basically, we can change our rubric that puts meaning to our sexuality. Working with a sex therapist can help clients discover their sexual values and live in greater alignment with those values in sexual relationships. 

Sharing Sexual Values Isn’t Easy But It’s Worth It

Communicating about sexual values with a partner can feel scary, especially if we have a challenging history, such as trauma, that can greatly impact how we make sense of our sexuality. Even so, it’s crucial to make space for these conversations around values so that each person feels heard and respected.

Sharing our values can bring a greater sense of clarity in our sexual relationships. It can help us to avoid having misaligned expectations or missed needs in our sexual encounters. It can offer richer experiences that are more tuned to each person’s desires. And in the end, it helps us to have sexual experiences that are more fulfilling and far fewer (or avoid entirely) experiences that we may regret.

Feel free to read the rest of the articles in this blog series:

Sexual Health Principle 5: Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancies

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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This principle is what most people think of when they hear the term ‘sexual health’. If we were taught anything about sexuality in school, this was most likely the only thing we learned about.

protected means protection

Not only does the term ‘sexual health’ go much deeper than just this one principle (as we’ve outlined in the other blog posts in this series), this principle goes much deeper than just the title suggests. In its most straightforward meaning, protection from STI, HIV, and unwanted pregnancy means just that–having safe sex options, such as condoms and PrEP, and contraceptive options, including IUDs/oral birth control pills, condoms, etc.

protected also means educated

Expanding on this most basic meaning, this sexual health principle is also about education, access to that education, and access to reproductive health treatment. Education must include scientifically and medically accurate information about sexually transmitted infections and barriers that prevent infection, as well as information on contraceptive options for all genders. Access to reproductive health treatment includes access to STI/HIV tests, reproductive cancer screenings, fertility treatments, family planning information, and so much more.

And protected also means empowered

Protection from STI, HIV, and unwanted pregnancy is incredibly important for sexual health due to the implications and possible outcomes that consequently happen without this principle (spread of infections, for example). Sexual health requires open, honest communication about these topics in our sexual relationships so that everyone is empowered to make informed decisions about the care they take of themselves within sexual encounters.

Feel free to read the rest of the articles in this blog series:

Sexual Health Principle 1: Consent

Sexual Health Principle 2: Non-Exploitation

Sexual Health Principle 3: Honesty

Sexual Health Principle 4: Shared Values

Sexual Health Principle 5: Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy (this article)

Sexual Health Principle 6: Pleasure

Sexual Health Principle 6: Pleasure

This blog article is part of a series of blog articles about the six Sexual Health Principles developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. You can learn more about the principles, Doug, and his work at his website.

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Pleasure is one of our main motivators for seeking sexual experiences (whether solo or partnered). Because it feels good! Pleasure is at the core of sex. However, it’s often excluded from our discourse about sexuality. And that can lead to some really big problems. 

Problem 1: not understanding what pleasure encompasses

When most people think of sexual pleasure, they think of orgasms. And of course they do! Orgasms are a wonderful source of pleasure. And, they are only a part of sexual pleasure. Touching, caressing, holding, tickling, grabbing, nuzzling, squeezing, kissing, sucking, slapping, grinding, massaging, and a host of other things (all consensually done, of course) can be wonderfully pleasurable also for both the giver and the receiver. Even just watching a partner be sexual–such as watching them masturbate–can be pleasurable for the watcher.

Most people don’t think of pleasure that way though and it means that they end up missing out on so much!

Problem 2: Shame

We are bombarded with so many conflicting messages about sexual pleasure by society and culture, loudly broadcast through song lyrics, movies and television and softly (sometimes loudly) reinforced by well-intentioned but misinformed parents, partners, educators, peers, and clergy. There’s something “dirty” about sex being pleasurable, so they tell us. It’s referenced with winks and nods, scowls and furrowed eyebrows. Sexual activity being pleasurable is treated as though it is an unfortunate consequence. 

When we don’t teach that pleasure is supposed to be part of sex, we open the door to shame. People feel badly about wanting to experience sexual pleasure. And if they do want it, they worry then that something is wrong with them: that they’re broken or “perverted”.

Pleasure is not a bug in our sexual programming; it’s a fantastic feature! We as human beings are wired to experience pleasure in touch of all forms. It’s why we pay money to get a massage and hug our loved ones. Being wired for pleasure in touch is why skin lotion is a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s why infants (and grown-ups) find so much soothing and peace when they experience skin-to-skin contact. Sexual pleasure is simply an extension and form of touch pleasure.

Problem 3: Sex as a pass/fail test

If the measure of successful or ‘correct’ sex is penetration or orgasm, that closes the door to a lot of sexual experiences. It also means that sexual experiences that could otherwise be wonderful and fulfilling will end up being seen as ‘failed’ or ‘insufficient’. People for whom penetration or orgasm is impossible or difficult or painful will close themselves off to sex because they can’t ‘get it right’. 

However, when pleasure is the measure, the door to sexuality and sexual experiences can be thrown wide open. We can welcome variety, flexibility, and playfulness to our sexual experiences. There is more room for experimentation and exploration because our focus is on the journey of pleasure through the sexual experience, rather than the destination of orgasm. Remember: many roads lead to pleasure…only a few roads lead to orgasm.

 
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